Timing

Do I wish I had waited longer to have my daughter?

What would it be like had I not had my her when I did? Would I be in grad school? Working another job? Creating a better nest egg for my future children? Sometimes I don't even feel like I'm worthy enough to be her mom. Like it was selfish of me to leap so soon.

On the other hand, I don't even hear the pitter patter of my first child's feet along our floors, and sometimes I find myself already longing for more.

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Moments after my daughter was placed into my arms my mother asked me if I was ready to do it all over again. Would you believe that I said yes? Maybe I wasn't physically ready, but I've wanted more since I realized how awesome just one was. Instantly my life was filled with purpose. It was like I was seeing the world with a whole new set of eyes. Everything was different, enhanced, and better.

The downside of this joy is timing. When you plan to have a child, you don't know when you'll be blessed with one. Right away? Years away? Months away? I had a feeling it would take a very long time but I was wrong. And now I feel like I've started a domino effect. Having one child starts a sequence of events if you want your children close together.

When are you having another?

When is it normal to ask that question? I know my sincere response "whenever" is anything but normal for most people with infants, but I don't know how to answer.

I didn't wait until everything was perfect and in line with the first but shouldn't I at least do that with the second?

It's as though my blog has come full circle with debating the when and how to operating the baby making machine switch. But I plan to do something different this time around.--Not plan.

I enjoyed our pre-parent time as much as I could but so much of the last bit of it was spent asking myself over and over and over when we'd begin the next part of our journey. I was looking towards the future and the present was passing me by. I won't do that to my daughter.

My maternity leave was the only time in my life I'd have with one child. One newborn to glue my butt on the couch with and pig out while watching TLC. That experience passed by in the blink of an eye and now I miss it.

I won't look back on these days and regret wondering about a number two. I'm going to spoil my daughter with light and love like no other. Because this is her time to shine, to have my full love and attention. Her time to be my one and only.

Before I know it today will be last year, and so I'm focusing on the present.