Friday, July 30, 2010

Motherhood With a Side of Paranoia

I took nap with my daughter the other day and when we awoke I noticed she was cross-eyed. Actually it was more like reverse-cross-eyed. One of her eyes was looking at me and the other was drifting off to the left. I immediately wondered if my sleeping with her could have caused this new development.--Caused her to go blind.

I yelled to my husband to have him come look and I held back the tears I could feel forming.

"She always looks like that," he told me.
"She always looks cross-eyed?" I didn't believe it. Anyways, I had stared at her 1000Xs more than he had. I would have noticed.
"She's just tired, she just woke up," he tried to console me, and hide a chuckle.
"What if she's going blind?" My paranoia wouldn't let down.

He snapped his fingers in his direction and she looked over at him. I was satisfied but only later thought of the fact that she could have been reacting to the sound of him snapping and not his fingers moving.

I fed her, and kept watching her eyes and noticed when she was looking normal again. Then I realized this is going to be a long hard journey.

I'm a hypochondriac. I've pretty much always self-diagnoised myself with all sorts of sicknesses and diseases. I claim I have mono when I'm actually just sleepy. I'm convinced I have a heart disease because I watched a special about Marfans on the Health Channel and so many of the symptoms explain my issues. I thought I had cancer when I discovered a lump in my breast (I actually did have to have it surgically removed. Luckily it was benign, but you can imagine my fear when they said it wasn't a cyst).

Now, unfortunately my delusions have carried over with my child. I can't read anything about babies and illness without worrying about Lil' J.

I pray every night that she'll be alive when I wake up and often jump up startled in the middle of the night when I realize I haven't heard her stir in awhile. I googled "green poop" when I saw a diaper full of it this morning. I hate that I'm acting this way but truthfully, I've done this with my dog--So it's only expected that with my own child it's magnified by a thousand.

Some friends told me about baby motion monitors and I'm thinking of getting one. This may put me in the category of "cuckoo" but I think it'll also give me a little piece of mind, and maybe help me sleep a little better.

I've heard a lot of good things about the Angel Care monitor but I'm thinking of getting a Snuza since it's more easily portable and has a vibration that will ring on baby if se doesn't breath or move for 15 seconds. The alarm sounds 5 seconds later if still nothing.

It's not about vanity, it's about my sanity. I'm not sure if I'll ever be sane again--Now that I'm a mom, but at least I can admit I need help.

CNS Stores sells bedroom vanity items, and nursery amenities including a few motion baby monitors and I'm hoping to buy one soon!- Sponsored.

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