Mi familia-Watch out Duggars, I want a BIG one

I am the oldest of five children. I have three beautiful sisters. Heather, who just turned 21, Lauren, who is 13 and Kimberly who is 5. My handsom little brother is Michael, and he's 16.

We didn't all grow up together. In fact, my mom was pregnant with my youngest sister at my wedding (go ahead, bring on the Mormon jokes) so we didn't ever all live under the same roof at the same time.

For most of my childhood it was my younger sister Heather and I. We had some good times but it got oh so much more interesting when Lauren was born, and when my brother joined the family through adoption.

During my maternity leave we were all together for the first time in years. We snapped these pictures and I get a big smile every time I look at them. Having us all together made me realize something...

I want a big family.

I know family size is one of those topics people have on--Oh, say the third date (in Mormon time) and I know we did way back when but that feels like it was more than half a century ago (really it was just nearly 7 years ago)! Things can change can't they? Are opinions on family size changes allowed?

I didn't used to want a big family. I wanted two or three kids. But now I want 10.

Or 6.

But really I'd be happy with 3.

My husband is set on two, which is devastating because I don't think two is enough. What if our next child is another girl? I want to know what it's like to have a son! And what if it's a boy? I want at least one of our kids to have a sibling of the same gender to play with.

I've started to tell my husband I want five kids, hoping we can compromise at three or four. We'll see how that goes.

Expense I think is probably biggest thing that would be standing in our way. But kids don't HAVE to be expensive right?

I always said I'd take it one kid at a time, and right now, I'm already wanting another. I thought 18 months apart would be a good age gap but that would mean I'd need to get knocked up in a couple months and I can tell you for a fact that's NOT happenin.

I'd love for my kids to be close in age so they can grow up together, play together, and see each other at school. I know it's crazy, and we're not ready, but it's in the back of my mind.

Maybe next time I'll randomly get pregnant with quadruplets and we'll be set.

Where to Draw the Line?

"One thing that made me want to put off having children for the first few years of our marriage was the fear of raising a family in the crazy world we live in.

Being a journalist I’m very aware, and sometimes jaded by all of the sadness in the world. I haven’t grown to be fearful, rather just disappointed in people and their actions.

I’ve always been a sensitive person. I remember arriving home from kindergarten class, crying after a classmate called me ugly because of my dark skin.

My mother was just being introduced into this world of childhood bullying (well, from the “mom” perspective that is) since I am her oldest. She quickly learned though, after putting on her mama bird suit and visiting with my teacher asking what in the world was going on.

I see myself having the same reaction my mother did initially for just about any negative response towards my little girl. I feel like I want to shield her from the crazy, rude, and harsh world we live in. I know that’s not necessarily the right thing to do because one day she’ll have to grow up and wake up, but I wonder if there’s some happy medium..."

I've never really grown out of my sensitivity issues. Ask my husband, he'd tell you how quickly a snide remark can open up the flood gates.

I've never understood, and never will understand how people can be intentionally mean to people. A sarcastic comment on my part will quickly send me back peddling if I feel the slightest bit of harm toward my intended jokemate. I think that's why I'm not very funny.

Online, comments, remarks, thoughts and feelings are taken to a whole 'nother level. People can say what they want, unfiltered, and have the shield of a computer screen to hide behind.

I turned off anonymous comments from my blog after countless comments from people who would disagree with me on a topic, and say the meanest things, while too afraid to put their name to it. I can honestly say I have never and will never leave a rude anonymous comment on someone's blog. If they're writing about something I don't agree with I'll A. Either stop reading or B. Leave a comment with my disagreements but also leave a way they can contact me or respond in case they'd like to discuss further. I have no problem standing behind what I say, and I'd wouldn't say anything hurtful.

Bringing a baby into the world isn't an easy feat. Bringing a baby into the world and sharing my journal of the experience with the world is even more insane, but that's been my choice and I've been ok with that so far. But now that I'm weeks away from having her--with an audience that's multiplied so much more than I ever imagined it would--I'm faced with lots of questions about where to draw the line.

If my husband had his way, her birthday would be the last day of my blog, as my "journey toward motherhood" would be complete. Pictures wouldn't be displayed, names wouldn't be shared. He's obviously a much more private person than I am.

Being the open and excited person that I am, I feel like I'd want to share my joy, my baby girl, just as I have shared so much already, but at the same time I worry I'd be setting a target out to be hit. I wouldn't be able to contain my anger if someone said something hurtful about my daughter, or the way I choose to birth or raise her.

Initially I thought I'd share her first name after her birth, in a photo that would be removed a day or two later, but now I'm not so sure. I thought I'd flood my blog with photos, but now I'm, second-guessing.

I can't shield my little girl from the crappy parts of the world, but I can do my part in other places, starting online.

Where do you or will you draw the line online with your children? Do you use real names? Share photos? I'd love some other parenting opinions on this topic.

The first part of this post was originally written for my Project Pregnancy Blog. You can read the rest of my fears about my daughter facing racism and other issues on today's post over there.