Friday, July 22, 2011

Have my cake and eat it too

What's meant to happen will happen, right? I mean, I don't have to have everything figured out right now.

I can see how some women say they lose their sense of self becoming a mother. It consumes you. You don't have to know me personally to see how much I love my daughter, and know how much she means to me. I'd do anything for her and do so much for her. Whether I like it or not, she is a part of the definition of who I am. She shapes my thoughts, my goals, my dreams. I catch myself for feeling guilty for dreams I have that don't necessarily include her.

Dress: Ralph Lauren via Ebay

I want to take a class in creative writing, feel successful in my career, and travel (with my family) and be someone my daughter wants to be like. All while giving her all the love and attention she craves, and I yearn to give her. I want to help her develop her talents. Take her to music lessons, sports lessons, anything she wants. Is that even possible? Was my timing off to be on track to obtain all of these goals? Should I have gotten my personal and financial goals out of the way first, or would I still be waiting to have her? Thinking all of these thoughts makes me realize I am probably not cut out to have a big family.

Sometimes I miss the old days. Afternoons where I'd come home from work, surf the web, then dive into a book the rest of the evening. I've always been one to have too many things on my plate, and with a child, my plate is overflowing onto the kitchen floor.

I haven't always been the best balancer, but I have been good at juggling things. Lately I've barely been able to keep it all going, and I can't imagine what it will be like adding another child to the mix.

Before you have a child people tell you to cherish your alone time as a couple. You won't get it back for over two decades if you have a few children, and by then you will be two totally different people. My husband and I were alone together for over five years and it was great. In many ways it's even better now, but I wonder if in the end I missed out on some precious moments because I was looking to far into the future. I don't want to do that now.

About two years ago I had it all figured out. I knew I wanted to be a mom and I had planned everything around the when. This time around I'm not stuck on that. Not anymore. A lot of things are about to change for us. My husband is starting a new and exciting career and the next eight months of his training will require a lot of focus from him, and independence on my part. For both of our sakes, I want to put all thoughts of our future family out of my mind for now.
I don't want to spend any time in these special years with my little girl worrying or wondering when her future sibling(s) will show up. They'll get here when they get here and we'll enjoy those moments when they arrive. Until then, I need to enjoy the one I have.

Eventually I want to have it all. I guess I just have to have faith it'll all happen when it's supposed to.

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