Getting behind

Sorry for my radio silence. For the first time in what seems like forever I've been going to bed before midnight-- before 10 even.

I've been so emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted planning our move (finally found a place), buying a new car and getting it situated, preparing to sell our old one. My husband graduating his academy (in two weeks... hooray!) plus baby-shower planning (for Saturday), and of course the usual work and stuff.

My poor baby got an upset tummy at school yesterday and it took me forever to get to her. I felt horrible, but made up for it with lots of cuddles and snuggles. She's feeling better now.

No time for sewing, no time for lots of pretty pictures, no time for sewing. It's been sad.

But I'm hoping to feel normal again-minus all the necessary packing and cleaning- come Monday. Hopefully I'll get my energy back. This is reminded me of my first trimester exhaustion which is making me re-assess my pro/cons asap list again.

So, sorry I've been so quiet in these parts. I'm loving my new camera and the gorgeous photos it's helping me capture. Someone asked that I write up a personal comparison of my 50mm 1.8 and my new 50mm 1.4 lenses. I hope to do that in the near future.

A few other random thoughts I might as well get down:

-Lil' J is OBSESSED with buses since our ride on one to the kite festival. Every time she sees one she says "bus, BUS" and she tries to take her seat belt off... Even when she's not in the car which is sorta weird. Or maybe she knows a sign for bus I don't know.

I looked up some bus routes to nearby parks so I think we'll take one next week to the park and back home so she can get her fix.

-I watched my first cooking show (like intentionally watched) about a month ago and I'm going to try what I learned: pico de gallo and guacamole. It was the Pioneer Woman's show. She looks older than I thought she was but that lady sure does have ACTUAL easy recipes (at least the one I watched, I didn't even have to write the directions down). I'm also going to attempt a friend's easy recipe for fruit dip.

If they're successful for the shower, I'll share here.

-Also planing to sew two St. Patrick's Day dresses for Lil' J to wear next week. I have a whole 3 binders of patterns and I should branch out in the ones I try but the peasant and t-shirt style are my quick go-tos I'll use for these since I need to be quick.

That's it for now. A bit of a brain dump for ya, excuse my typos, this is a drive-by post. Hope you're having a fantastic week!

Blog funk

I think the title says it all.

I'm in a weird blog funk. I'm still here, blogging, adding my thoughts and photos. Getting better at the photos. But I can't help but feel like there's something missing.

I'm not sure what that something is but I'm thinking it could be my spunk. Has blogging about my daughter made me boring? Ordinary? I would say I have other better things to blog about but I kind of don't.

I'm not in the mess of birth and baby drama and controversy like I felt like I was stuck in for a while. My baby is sleeping just fine in her own room, I'm not organic obsessed and we're still breastfeeding, but no one elses' opinions on those things are going to change what I'm doing. And I don't really feel like arguing to get people to believe what I believe about those things because really?--There are more important things in life.

It used to be that I'd blog about random things. Wanting a kid, not wanting a kid. Humorous things involving my decision whether or not to have a kid. And now I've got one. And some things are funny, but most things are "you had to have been there" kind of things. And, you know how when you don't have kids, when moms stat talking about their kids and what they're doing you kinda nod and go "aaah" but really you're thinking "so what?" well, I'm beginning to wonder if that's what's happening here.

If I blog and say "OMG!! I told her to kiss her teddy bear and guess what? SHE DID IT!!" Are yall gonna be like "so? .... Tell me the story about how you flooded the bathroom again."

But then part of me is like "who cares... It's MY BLOG!" but when several hundred of you get this blog delivered to your email every morning, and even more than that subscribe, I don't want to let you down! Is that lame?

Truth is, I'm not SUPER good at any one thing. I'm ok at a lot of things. I'm ok at writing, I'm ok at taking pictures, I'm a sucky cook (but I'm learning), so I can't really post cute recipes because I can hardly follow them, much less make them up myself.

I'm not very stylish and I don't feel like posting pictures of myself or my un-stylish home every day. I think I'm a good mom, but bad at knowing all the rules about being healthy and what not. I'm a good lover. NOT in a "I shouldn't be blogging about this" kind of way, I mean I shower my family and friends with lots of love. I love loving!! I'm a loving person. Got it?

Anyway, I hope I'm not boring anyone to death blogging about Lil' J all the time. I figure it'll be hers to read some day. I would blog about my journey to #2 but I'm trying not to think about that right now (but things like this video makes that hard). This could change soon, but I'm just enjoying my #1 right now. And my cute hubby who starts his new job MONDAY!

And chilaxing.

And laughing at Toddlers and Tiaras.

And Teen Mom.

And attempting to get Lil' J to be the next Baby GAP model.

And devising a plan to rule the world.

I'm a busy woman.

Anyway (again) forgive my slight funkiness (I'm not talking about my smell). I'm feeling a little lost (blog wise... and sorta life wise, but not as much) but hopefully I'll find my way soon. Don't leave me k? I need company out here in Crazyland. I'll be back.

Have my cake and eat it too

What's meant to happen will happen, right? I mean, I don't have to have everything figured out right now.

I can see how some women say they lose their sense of self becoming a mother. It consumes you. You don't have to know me personally to see how much I love my daughter, and know how much she means to me. I'd do anything for her and do so much for her. Whether I like it or not, she is a part of the definition of who I am. She shapes my thoughts, my goals, my dreams. I catch myself for feeling guilty for dreams I have that don't necessarily include her.

Dress: Ralph Lauren via Ebay

I want to take a class in creative writing, feel successful in my career, and travel (with my family) and be someone my daughter wants to be like. All while giving her all the love and attention she craves, and I yearn to give her. I want to help her develop her talents. Take her to music lessons, sports lessons, anything she wants. Is that even possible? Was my timing off to be on track to obtain all of these goals? Should I have gotten my personal and financial goals out of the way first, or would I still be waiting to have her? Thinking all of these thoughts makes me realize I am probably not cut out to have a big family.

Sometimes I miss the old days. Afternoons where I'd come home from work, surf the web, then dive into a book the rest of the evening. I've always been one to have too many things on my plate, and with a child, my plate is overflowing onto the kitchen floor.

I haven't always been the best balancer, but I have been good at juggling things. Lately I've barely been able to keep it all going, and I can't imagine what it will be like adding another child to the mix.

Before you have a child people tell you to cherish your alone time as a couple. You won't get it back for over two decades if you have a few children, and by then you will be two totally different people. My husband and I were alone together for over five years and it was great. In many ways it's even better now, but I wonder if in the end I missed out on some precious moments because I was looking to far into the future. I don't want to do that now.

About two years ago I had it all figured out. I knew I wanted to be a mom and I had planned everything around the when. This time around I'm not stuck on that. Not anymore. A lot of things are about to change for us. My husband is starting a new and exciting career and the next eight months of his training will require a lot of focus from him, and independence on my part. For both of our sakes, I want to put all thoughts of our future family out of my mind for now.
I don't want to spend any time in these special years with my little girl worrying or wondering when her future sibling(s) will show up. They'll get here when they get here and we'll enjoy those moments when they arrive. Until then, I need to enjoy the one I have.

Eventually I want to have it all. I guess I just have to have faith it'll all happen when it's supposed to.

10 Things I'll do differently next time around

I often think about what I'll do differently with my next pregnancy/birth/child. Pregnancy was SO FUN. I really enjoyed it. Every bit, right down to my cankles. In fact, I was a little obsessed with my cankles. Still am.

I don't have any regrets, but there are some things I didn't do with Lil' J that I want to try next time. You know, new experiments to do with my next victim. So without further adieu, here's my growing list of "next time arounds."

1. Not tell anyone I'm pregnant until I'm extremely fat. Not even my husband (kidding... sorta). Actually, it would be cool if I didn't even know until I was really fat.
2. I'll get a 3D/4D Ultrasound. It's one thing I didn't do with Lil' J that I wish I had.
3. Whatever my due date is, I'm adding a week to it from the start and calling that my due date. I know no baby of mine is going to be early, so I might as well expect it to be at least a week late. That way when I'm a week late (really two weeks) it won't be so stressful.
4. I won't find out the gender. I'm still not sure I'm brave enough to follow through with this. Maybe with baby #3. But I figure baby #2 doesn't matter if it's a girl or boy cause I'll be happy for Lil' J to have a sister close in age, but I'll also be just as happy to have one of each out of the way. If I have two girls I'll be dying to know if #3 is a boy. So it's the perfect opportunity for a surprise baby.
5. Buy cute maternity clothes. I was so excited I didn't need special maternity clothes, but I sorta wish I had. I think getting a few comfy maternity jeans and shirts can be something I have to look forward to with baby #2.
6. Take more bare belly photos. I only have a few from my maternity shoot with Tara and I wasn't even that big. I want to take a photo on the way to the hospital with skin and all.
7. Give birth in water. This isn't mandatory but I think it could be cool. Unless of course I get induced again. If that's the case I want an epidural right away. Which leads us to #8...
8. I'm getting the epidural ASAP. I waited as long as I could before, which was cool. My water broke and I was 5 centimeters dilated, but next time, just give me the drugs when I get there.
9. Give him/her a binky right away. It doesn't have to be habit-forming, but I'd like the kid to like them. Maybe he/she would have more of a chance if I actually gave him/her one from the start. No milk is coming out of the binky and I have yet to meet a baby who prefers a non-food producing binky over eating.
10. Move him/her to their own bed sooner. Like maybe even right away. Ok, maybe not that soon, but I'm not going to wait 5 months next time.

I think of more of these things daily, but I imagine I'll forget most of them by the time it's time for #2.