Have my cake and eat it too

What's meant to happen will happen, right? I mean, I don't have to have everything figured out right now.

I can see how some women say they lose their sense of self becoming a mother. It consumes you. You don't have to know me personally to see how much I love my daughter, and know how much she means to me. I'd do anything for her and do so much for her. Whether I like it or not, she is a part of the definition of who I am. She shapes my thoughts, my goals, my dreams. I catch myself for feeling guilty for dreams I have that don't necessarily include her.

Dress: Ralph Lauren via Ebay

I want to take a class in creative writing, feel successful in my career, and travel (with my family) and be someone my daughter wants to be like. All while giving her all the love and attention she craves, and I yearn to give her. I want to help her develop her talents. Take her to music lessons, sports lessons, anything she wants. Is that even possible? Was my timing off to be on track to obtain all of these goals? Should I have gotten my personal and financial goals out of the way first, or would I still be waiting to have her? Thinking all of these thoughts makes me realize I am probably not cut out to have a big family.

Sometimes I miss the old days. Afternoons where I'd come home from work, surf the web, then dive into a book the rest of the evening. I've always been one to have too many things on my plate, and with a child, my plate is overflowing onto the kitchen floor.

I haven't always been the best balancer, but I have been good at juggling things. Lately I've barely been able to keep it all going, and I can't imagine what it will be like adding another child to the mix.

Before you have a child people tell you to cherish your alone time as a couple. You won't get it back for over two decades if you have a few children, and by then you will be two totally different people. My husband and I were alone together for over five years and it was great. In many ways it's even better now, but I wonder if in the end I missed out on some precious moments because I was looking to far into the future. I don't want to do that now.

About two years ago I had it all figured out. I knew I wanted to be a mom and I had planned everything around the when. This time around I'm not stuck on that. Not anymore. A lot of things are about to change for us. My husband is starting a new and exciting career and the next eight months of his training will require a lot of focus from him, and independence on my part. For both of our sakes, I want to put all thoughts of our future family out of my mind for now.
I don't want to spend any time in these special years with my little girl worrying or wondering when her future sibling(s) will show up. They'll get here when they get here and we'll enjoy those moments when they arrive. Until then, I need to enjoy the one I have.

Eventually I want to have it all. I guess I just have to have faith it'll all happen when it's supposed to.

Number two

My journey has come full circle and I find myself back at the beginning asking myself when the perfect time is to have a baby. But this time it would double my current offspring quota.

I definitely have baby fever... I am ready to do this again. I have been for a while but I didn't dare share and sound like a psycho with my month-old baby at my hip. Now that said month-old is 10-months old it seems more realistic to be pondering these decisions. I didn't think I'd blog about it because I've been there and done that. Plus Lil' J gives me so much material to write about anyway (sometimes). But what kind of mom would I be not to at least try to give Number Two the same sort of pre-conception attention?

How far apart in age should they be? Will I be able to handle two kids? How much will childcare cost once we have two and both my husband and I are working? Then what about #3?

Alright,  I'm getting ahead of myself but one can never be too prepared. Well, maybe you can if preparing is driving you crazy, but I'm not crazy just yet.

Like in this stage last time there are some things I need to take care of before I'm in any condition to spawn again. For one, we need a bigger place. Our lease isn't up until next March and I'd like to move into a three bedroom house. I'm not sure if we'll want to rent again or be ready to buy, all I know is we'll need more space because our two bedroom won't cut it.

I've gotta start taking prenatals again, eating better, cutting caffeine, yada yada. Then the biggest obstacle one again is convincing my better half that two are better than one. This is particularly more difficult than the first time because I have to time my strategic non-subtle hints when Lil' J is in a good mood. For instance I can't say how fun another baby would be if she's screaming her head off. It's when she's laughing and playing these notions are best shared.

There are a few things I plan to do differently this time around. I shared 10 things here. But I've thought of a few more.

For one, I'm not going to be as concerned with the birth. I learned a lot the first time and if it ain't broke don't fix it. Unless I have a change of heart between now and then I plan to use the same OB and hospital, and focus most of my planning energy on after-birth things.

Secondly, I'm not against pre-baby shopping/ saving. Before I was pregnant with Lil' J I didn't save baby things. As if it was bad luck or something. This time, I don't have a problem storing some things. I donated in a charity raffle on my friend's blog and won a Wonder Bumpers bedding set. I chose a neutral blue/green style to use for Number Two. I may trade it with another friend who has another bumpers set, also neutral that I may like more but obviously there's not rush at the moment.

About the neutral thing... Since I went crazy with pink on Lil' J, I think I got that out of my system. If we have another girl I want her to have a royal blue/green theme, which I'd love to use with a boy too. And since most of my pre-birth planning surrounds decorating the nursery, it's not really necessary to find out what I'm having beforehand. So it's decided. I don't want to find out the gender of Number 2 until birth.

If we have another girl I'd be SO HAPPY because we already have girl things, and Lil' J would have a sister she could grow up with and be close to. But if we have a boy we'd have one of each and how can you get any better than that? I wanted a girl so bad and I already have one, so it honestly doesn't make a difference to me what the next one is. I'm completely split 50/50 with my preference, so it'll be a fun surprise.

That said, there's still SO much time before we're even close to that point. My heavy "Let's Make a Baby" campaign won't start until late this year. At this point it's about raising campaign dollars and getting supporters. By the time I win the big deciding vote (aka my hubby's) and move forward with the proposition it will probably 1212. But who knows, I may get lucky.

The good news is until then, this time around I at least still have a charming mini me to keep me company on my journey until the stork comes by my house again.