Spiritually Reignited

I wouldn't say I'm a bad person, but I haven't been the best person lately either. Ever since switching to the morning weekend anchor schedule at work I've loved having less sleep, and more time with my family, but my church life has suffered tremendously. It was my #1 worry with taking on the new schedule and sadly, it's taking the toll I feared it would.

I get a long break during the same time as sacrament meeting. So if I dress for church, I can rush over, meet my family, and enjoy one of the three hours of service before rushing back to work. The only problem is the moment my daughter sees me, she immediately wants to nurse and begs and screams until I take her to the nursing lounge, which usually results in me missing sacrament and/or listening to all of the meeting from the speakers in that room. Now, add in my husband's new busy schedule, and my weekend break hour is a good time for him to squeeze in an extra hour for studying, so add in going home, changing and taking her to church with me before taking her back and heading back to work. I'll admit, I haven't been that dedicated.

I've promised myself I'd read the scriptures a half hour a night to make up for missing Sundays but that's easier said than done. I've just been happy we still keep up with family prayers.

A prayer for a chance to be reignited was answered when my grandmother told me her choir was coming to my town! She's in Glady's Knight's Saints of Unified Voices choir. It was a chance for my husband and I to hire a babysitter, and go on a date together, but also a chance to feel something I've been missing.

We recently went and it was more amazing than I had imagined. Not only was it awesome to see my grandmother on stage with a musical icon, but it was a great spiritual experience. And awesome to hear Sister Knight's testimony. Oh, and to hear gospel music and loud beats boom through our LDS chapel. We weren't used to that.


It was also an excellent missionary opportunity. People of all shades came and some people who had never stepped foot in an LDS church sang along in praises to gospel songs they knew shouting "AMEN!" in affirmation, clapping, and standing when they felt moved. It was incredible.

They are touring the country and if you have the chance to see them I'd go. It's free and unbelievable.

I left and kept saying to my husband "Doesn't that make you want to be better?" "Doesn't it make you want to do better? I want to be a better person."

It's often how I felt when leaving church on Sundays (well, before having my daughter, since then, I've started to hate Sundays as they've been utterly exhausting, and I'm excited if I catch the topic of the lesson).

This was amazing, and just what I needed. I'm not a horrible person, and I'll never be perfect. But I can be better, and I will.

Sundays Suck

It's Tuesday and I'm finally recuperated enough from Sunday to write this post. Sorry I missed my Makin' Monday post. I needed sleep and I finally got it, so I'll share what I made next week. I've got a lot of life ponderings to divulge this week anyway.

First, Sundays just aren't what they used to be. Forget afternoon naps and relaxing with the hubs, this is my hardest day of the week.

It started from the moment I woke up. I was in our nursery, in the guest bed. My daughter was climbing on me and smacking my face. I had wandered in there the night before when my she woke up crying. She was ready to get up for the day and I was begging for more rest.

I tried to shove my boob in her mouth in hopes she'd nurse and fall back asleep--Sometimes it works. But my husband walks in, dressed for church. He doesn't want to ask me if I'm coming because he knows I'm tired after a long night of work, and that another long night of work is ahead. But our daughter leaps into his arms with excitement and I know I should go too.

He offers to take her downstairs while I get ready. It would have been even nicer had he dressed her while I was getting ready but I didn't think about it as I hurried to get prepared.

I brought her Sunday dress downstairs with me and we changed and dressed her together.

If I could have freezed that moment of the day and take it with me, it would have been great. But it was all downhill after that.

We arrived right at 9, which meant the good seats were taken, but we'd at least be there for sacrament meeting.

The next three hours that followed were just short of torture.

She didn't want to sit with me. But she didn't want to crawl around and play with her toys either. She wanted to walk around. Excuse me, I mean she wanted ME to carry her and walk around.

Every time I tried to sit down, whether in the foyer area, or in the chapel, she wasn't having it. She'd arch her back and do her loud baby growl/moan until I obeyed, stood back up, and continued my walk.

I know they say you can't spoil an infant but at some point they learn how to manipulate mommies and I'm pretty sure my little one has always mastered this art. And she knows it.

She'll suck on my keys and when I try to take them away she sequels until I give them back. And I do because it makes her happy, and because I doubt it'll kill her.

So here I am walking my bossy baby around the church, and listening to the testimonies when I can while passing by rooms with speakers.

She does ok when I try to feed her in the mother's lounge but it's not long before she's ready to get to walking again. Still whining every time I so much as stop to read a bulletin board.

Now to her credit she's not always this crazy. Most of the time she's a very happy baby who loves to explore church and other new places. I'm not sure what got into her this week. I'm assuming (and praying) it's teething and not a budding personality trait.

I feel like my daughter is the only mini drama queen at church, or maybe I'm just the only mom that doesn't know how to handle my child. 

Toward the end of sacrament meeting I gave up and turned her over to my husband. His job (or "calling" as we call it in my church) is to count the members and take care of records. He was finished counting and could hold Lil' J while I tried to listen and get something out of church.

I heard the last bit of one sister's testimony which was touching, but not as much as the moment afterward, where she walked back to sit down and I realized she was sitting in our row of chairs. She passed me and I watched her go to sit next to her daughter who appeared to be about 9 or 10 years old.

"You did so good mommy," she told her with a proud glow radiating from her face.

In that moment I pictured that being me and my daughter in 8 or 9 years, and instantly my frustrations melted away. What a sweet picture.

My eyes watered as I tried to soak in the good feeling. It lasted a few moments, because just then, what seemed like only 40 seconds after they had left, my husband and daughter were returning.

I greeted them, and held my daughter, she seemed to be happier--At least momentarily.

We sang and listened to a prayer that ended sacrament meeting. The first of three hours of service.

Yes, you read right. THREE HOURS.

I whispered to my husband that we Mormons are crazy for having tons of kids and meeting at church for three hours ever week. He told me it didn't always used to be that way, and vowed to go undercover, move up in the ranks, and change it back to the way it was a hundred years ago. Just for me. What a guy!

Off to Sunday school we went. The hubs had to go do clerk stuff so I took Lil' J to my class. We didn't make it through introductions before she was flipping out again and I excused myself.

Last week another mom had given me a tip to visit the nursery with her. I can't leave her in there alone until she's 18 months but she could go and play with the toys and hear the lesson now if I was with her. So we went to visit and see what it was all about.

Toys toys everywhere. She wasn't happy when I set her down but she wasn't screaming either. There was enough stimulation going on to keep her entertained for about 40 minutes or so, with me playing along with her every once in a while. Around lesson and snack time though, she was ready to go and eat, but not the food these kids were eating, so we excused ourselves again to go back to the nursing room.

I saw a woman I had seen in there earlier with her baby again and we talked awhile. I had given up on trying to have any kind of spiritual lesson that day and just asked her about her family life. She told me how she wants to have six kids, and I asked why in the world she'd want to do that. I mean, sometimes I say I want six kids but deep down I don't mean it. It was neat hearing her opinion on spawning.

Lil' J fell asleep while eating and I tried my best not to wake her. Perhaps she needed to catch some Zzzz's and that's why she was acting a fool. I'm not sure.

After church I laid down for a 20 minute nap before heading to work. I felt like a failed mom as I handed my daughter over to my husband to tame her while I rested a bit. Why can he handle her better than I can?

I got a tiny bit of shut eye before a 14 hour shift at work. I was already sleep deprived and crying on my way in--Feeling deflated--defeated by my mini me. But little did I know the day I had ahead of me. Yea, I didn't get hope until 4am after the news from President Obama. It was exciting but exhausting.

The whole day I kept asking myself "why did I go to church?" It's so awful I feel that way but even in my somewhat refreshed state I'm in right now I do have to ask myself that occasionally. Especially around the third hour of meetings where I haven't heard a thing from a speaker.

I know this is just the season of life I'm in right now. It won't be like this forever, and in another 8 months I'll at least get two free hours of babysitting out of the deal. And if I'm lucky I may even learn something again.

It's not like this every Sunday--Thank goodness. I think if it was I'd probably go inactive.--But I hope it's not the start of a crazy long phase where my angel baby turns into a little devil at church.

'Just a Mom'

I was browsing Mormon.org last week and saw my friend on the homepage. I watched her video and smiled and laughed because oh I miss her so, and they portrayed her fun personality just like I remember her in college.

I began to scroll through other "featured Mormon" profiles to see if I recognized anyone else when I spotted Jane Clayson. I watched her video and teared up.

There are so many details of my life I don't go into in public and one of them is my battle with this. I have never wanted being a mother define me. Long before becoming pregnant I said I didn't want to be "just a mom." Since becoming a mother, when I sign up for something that needs a username I try to avoid using the words "mom" or "mama" in the title (aside from blog-related endeavors obviously). It's silly, but I've fought so that's not what defines me. I love being a mother but I guess that's not the first thing I want people to think of when they hear my name or see me. I've feared ever leaving the workforce because I don't want to be a "former news anchor."

Jane Clayson is a former network news anchor and left the business to take care of her children. This was exactly what I needed to hear right now. I sometimes find it hard to picture myself staying at home and being "just a mom" but I've realized I'm thinking about this the wrong way. What a blessing it would be to devote my time to raising my children. What an honorable career.

Hopefully this video can strike a chord with someone like it has for me.

Giving My Daughter a Head Start I Missed

I organized more of the nursery yesterday, and fumbled around with a CD player that's attached to the crib. I got it as a gift at my baby shower. I'm excited to share the gift of music with my baby girl. I pretty much immediately began searching for good lullabys to buy and save to CD to play for her at night.

Eager to start a new tradition, I bought some church primary songs off iTunes. Primary songs are children's songs kids sing at my church during the third hour... Yes, third hour of church. After Sacrament meeting and Sunday School.

My family joined the LDS church and became active when I was about 11-years-old. I've always felt "behind" compared to everyone else my age. I didn't know the songs the kids would all sing in primary, and since you graduate at 12, I didn't have much time to learn them.

I've always been a very outgoing girl. My whole life, I've never been regarded as a "shy" one. But the one place you're likely to find me out of my element is church.

When I was younger I'd always avoid eye contact with the teacher who would surely call on me to say the prayer if I looked him in the eye. I was always too afraid to answer a question about the Bible... Afraid I'd give the wrong answer and people would laugh at me. No one ever laughed at anyone, but I feared I'd be the first.

The question could be as simple as: "Who built the giant ark to hold all of the animals before the flood?" Of course I knew it was Noah, but I was to scared to answer wrong anyway... Thinking maybe there was a second guy I somehow missed reading about.

I guess religion is one of those subjects that's so serious, and important, I felt bad that I didn't know all of the answers.

As I've gotten older, much of my spirituality has grown from life's experiences, prayer, and just going to church. I still haven't overcome my anxiety with public prayers, or answering a class question, but I've gotten better. One thing I know will help me is just learning the stories better.

I've read and heard scripture stories over and over but it's so easy for me to mix people and places up. I've learn to forgive myself for this too, and just realize the only way to get better is to keep reading.

I don't want my daughter to have the same worries I do. I want her to feel confidant in knowing her scripture stories, and sing her primary songs loud and proud. I hope she'll be eager to say a prayer before our family, or in front of her Sunday school class, and be unapologetic about it.

It's never too late to build upon your spirituality, and learn more about the Gospel. I feel like having a child kind of gives me a chance to re-learn everything myself, but have a study buddy in the process.

From primary songs, to scripture stories, it'll give me a chance to learn about the gospel starting at a level I never had a chance to experience. It's an opportunity I'm so blessed to have.

If you know of any good children's Bible or Book of Mormon books? I'm not even sure how many of my readers are Christian or LDS, but this would really help me narrow down my search! The more stories in them, the better!