Reading the Scriptures like it's Twilight

Why is it that I can pick up a fiction novel and fly through it in a day but every time I touch my scriptures I'm satisfied with getting through a few versus? A few chapters and I feel like a champ.

This year one of my goals is to really FEAST on the words of Christ. I'm going pretty good so far. Well, sorta.

Good news is I made a deal with myself that I wouldn't read my leisure books until I read the scriptures. Bad news is I haven't been rewarded with my "fun book" yet. Which right now is the Percy Jackson and the Olympian series--Book three.

Good news is I've read The Good Book every night this week. Bad news is I haven't gotten through a full chapter before falling asleep.

My husband and I read all of the children's series with Lil' J last year and this year I'd like to start her on the real deal. Not sure where to begin but I guess it doesn't hurt to start with Genesis 1.I know she won't understand it but if we keep reading every night, eventually she'll start picking things up.

Family and personal study. Whew!! You know, I can't help but feel like if I had an iPad I'd be so much better at this. I could digitally highlight my favorite versus, read with the lights out, have them with me all the time... Hmmm.

It didn't used to be this hard for me. I think it's partly because now I have a billion things going on, it's harder for me to slow down and focus on something that's normally last on my to-do list.

Back when I was a good person, I would read the scriptures by searching for specific topics or stories in the index that I was interested in. I felt I learned more studying that way. Starting from the beginning can seem overwhelming. I'm not sure how specific I want to make this goal yet but I think if I'm reading something, anything, each night, I'll eventually get into a groove I like, so it doesn't feel like a chore.

Jeez Louise, this sounds horrible. But hey, at least I'm trying.


Do you have any kind of guides or helpful tips you follow to read the scriptures personally or with your family?

Spiritually Reignited

I wouldn't say I'm a bad person, but I haven't been the best person lately either. Ever since switching to the morning weekend anchor schedule at work I've loved having less sleep, and more time with my family, but my church life has suffered tremendously. It was my #1 worry with taking on the new schedule and sadly, it's taking the toll I feared it would.

I get a long break during the same time as sacrament meeting. So if I dress for church, I can rush over, meet my family, and enjoy one of the three hours of service before rushing back to work. The only problem is the moment my daughter sees me, she immediately wants to nurse and begs and screams until I take her to the nursing lounge, which usually results in me missing sacrament and/or listening to all of the meeting from the speakers in that room. Now, add in my husband's new busy schedule, and my weekend break hour is a good time for him to squeeze in an extra hour for studying, so add in going home, changing and taking her to church with me before taking her back and heading back to work. I'll admit, I haven't been that dedicated.

I've promised myself I'd read the scriptures a half hour a night to make up for missing Sundays but that's easier said than done. I've just been happy we still keep up with family prayers.

A prayer for a chance to be reignited was answered when my grandmother told me her choir was coming to my town! She's in Glady's Knight's Saints of Unified Voices choir. It was a chance for my husband and I to hire a babysitter, and go on a date together, but also a chance to feel something I've been missing.

We recently went and it was more amazing than I had imagined. Not only was it awesome to see my grandmother on stage with a musical icon, but it was a great spiritual experience. And awesome to hear Sister Knight's testimony. Oh, and to hear gospel music and loud beats boom through our LDS chapel. We weren't used to that.


It was also an excellent missionary opportunity. People of all shades came and some people who had never stepped foot in an LDS church sang along in praises to gospel songs they knew shouting "AMEN!" in affirmation, clapping, and standing when they felt moved. It was incredible.

They are touring the country and if you have the chance to see them I'd go. It's free and unbelievable.

I left and kept saying to my husband "Doesn't that make you want to be better?" "Doesn't it make you want to do better? I want to be a better person."

It's often how I felt when leaving church on Sundays (well, before having my daughter, since then, I've started to hate Sundays as they've been utterly exhausting, and I'm excited if I catch the topic of the lesson).

This was amazing, and just what I needed. I'm not a horrible person, and I'll never be perfect. But I can be better, and I will.

Sundays Suck

It's Tuesday and I'm finally recuperated enough from Sunday to write this post. Sorry I missed my Makin' Monday post. I needed sleep and I finally got it, so I'll share what I made next week. I've got a lot of life ponderings to divulge this week anyway.

First, Sundays just aren't what they used to be. Forget afternoon naps and relaxing with the hubs, this is my hardest day of the week.

It started from the moment I woke up. I was in our nursery, in the guest bed. My daughter was climbing on me and smacking my face. I had wandered in there the night before when my she woke up crying. She was ready to get up for the day and I was begging for more rest.

I tried to shove my boob in her mouth in hopes she'd nurse and fall back asleep--Sometimes it works. But my husband walks in, dressed for church. He doesn't want to ask me if I'm coming because he knows I'm tired after a long night of work, and that another long night of work is ahead. But our daughter leaps into his arms with excitement and I know I should go too.

He offers to take her downstairs while I get ready. It would have been even nicer had he dressed her while I was getting ready but I didn't think about it as I hurried to get prepared.

I brought her Sunday dress downstairs with me and we changed and dressed her together.

If I could have freezed that moment of the day and take it with me, it would have been great. But it was all downhill after that.

We arrived right at 9, which meant the good seats were taken, but we'd at least be there for sacrament meeting.

The next three hours that followed were just short of torture.

She didn't want to sit with me. But she didn't want to crawl around and play with her toys either. She wanted to walk around. Excuse me, I mean she wanted ME to carry her and walk around.

Every time I tried to sit down, whether in the foyer area, or in the chapel, she wasn't having it. She'd arch her back and do her loud baby growl/moan until I obeyed, stood back up, and continued my walk.

I know they say you can't spoil an infant but at some point they learn how to manipulate mommies and I'm pretty sure my little one has always mastered this art. And she knows it.

She'll suck on my keys and when I try to take them away she sequels until I give them back. And I do because it makes her happy, and because I doubt it'll kill her.

So here I am walking my bossy baby around the church, and listening to the testimonies when I can while passing by rooms with speakers.

She does ok when I try to feed her in the mother's lounge but it's not long before she's ready to get to walking again. Still whining every time I so much as stop to read a bulletin board.

Now to her credit she's not always this crazy. Most of the time she's a very happy baby who loves to explore church and other new places. I'm not sure what got into her this week. I'm assuming (and praying) it's teething and not a budding personality trait.

I feel like my daughter is the only mini drama queen at church, or maybe I'm just the only mom that doesn't know how to handle my child. 

Toward the end of sacrament meeting I gave up and turned her over to my husband. His job (or "calling" as we call it in my church) is to count the members and take care of records. He was finished counting and could hold Lil' J while I tried to listen and get something out of church.

I heard the last bit of one sister's testimony which was touching, but not as much as the moment afterward, where she walked back to sit down and I realized she was sitting in our row of chairs. She passed me and I watched her go to sit next to her daughter who appeared to be about 9 or 10 years old.

"You did so good mommy," she told her with a proud glow radiating from her face.

In that moment I pictured that being me and my daughter in 8 or 9 years, and instantly my frustrations melted away. What a sweet picture.

My eyes watered as I tried to soak in the good feeling. It lasted a few moments, because just then, what seemed like only 40 seconds after they had left, my husband and daughter were returning.

I greeted them, and held my daughter, she seemed to be happier--At least momentarily.

We sang and listened to a prayer that ended sacrament meeting. The first of three hours of service.

Yes, you read right. THREE HOURS.

I whispered to my husband that we Mormons are crazy for having tons of kids and meeting at church for three hours ever week. He told me it didn't always used to be that way, and vowed to go undercover, move up in the ranks, and change it back to the way it was a hundred years ago. Just for me. What a guy!

Off to Sunday school we went. The hubs had to go do clerk stuff so I took Lil' J to my class. We didn't make it through introductions before she was flipping out again and I excused myself.

Last week another mom had given me a tip to visit the nursery with her. I can't leave her in there alone until she's 18 months but she could go and play with the toys and hear the lesson now if I was with her. So we went to visit and see what it was all about.

Toys toys everywhere. She wasn't happy when I set her down but she wasn't screaming either. There was enough stimulation going on to keep her entertained for about 40 minutes or so, with me playing along with her every once in a while. Around lesson and snack time though, she was ready to go and eat, but not the food these kids were eating, so we excused ourselves again to go back to the nursing room.

I saw a woman I had seen in there earlier with her baby again and we talked awhile. I had given up on trying to have any kind of spiritual lesson that day and just asked her about her family life. She told me how she wants to have six kids, and I asked why in the world she'd want to do that. I mean, sometimes I say I want six kids but deep down I don't mean it. It was neat hearing her opinion on spawning.

Lil' J fell asleep while eating and I tried my best not to wake her. Perhaps she needed to catch some Zzzz's and that's why she was acting a fool. I'm not sure.

After church I laid down for a 20 minute nap before heading to work. I felt like a failed mom as I handed my daughter over to my husband to tame her while I rested a bit. Why can he handle her better than I can?

I got a tiny bit of shut eye before a 14 hour shift at work. I was already sleep deprived and crying on my way in--Feeling deflated--defeated by my mini me. But little did I know the day I had ahead of me. Yea, I didn't get hope until 4am after the news from President Obama. It was exciting but exhausting.

The whole day I kept asking myself "why did I go to church?" It's so awful I feel that way but even in my somewhat refreshed state I'm in right now I do have to ask myself that occasionally. Especially around the third hour of meetings where I haven't heard a thing from a speaker.

I know this is just the season of life I'm in right now. It won't be like this forever, and in another 8 months I'll at least get two free hours of babysitting out of the deal. And if I'm lucky I may even learn something again.

It's not like this every Sunday--Thank goodness. I think if it was I'd probably go inactive.--But I hope it's not the start of a crazy long phase where my angel baby turns into a little devil at church.

'Just a Mom'

I was browsing Mormon.org last week and saw my friend on the homepage. I watched her video and smiled and laughed because oh I miss her so, and they portrayed her fun personality just like I remember her in college.

I began to scroll through other "featured Mormon" profiles to see if I recognized anyone else when I spotted Jane Clayson. I watched her video and teared up.

There are so many details of my life I don't go into in public and one of them is my battle with this. I have never wanted being a mother define me. Long before becoming pregnant I said I didn't want to be "just a mom." Since becoming a mother, when I sign up for something that needs a username I try to avoid using the words "mom" or "mama" in the title (aside from blog-related endeavors obviously). It's silly, but I've fought so that's not what defines me. I love being a mother but I guess that's not the first thing I want people to think of when they hear my name or see me. I've feared ever leaving the workforce because I don't want to be a "former news anchor."

Jane Clayson is a former network news anchor and left the business to take care of her children. This was exactly what I needed to hear right now. I sometimes find it hard to picture myself staying at home and being "just a mom" but I've realized I'm thinking about this the wrong way. What a blessing it would be to devote my time to raising my children. What an honorable career.

Hopefully this video can strike a chord with someone like it has for me.

What I Learned at Church Today: A Lesson in Nursing On Demand

Going to church on Sunday is such a great way to feel refreshed and uplifted before I start my week all over again. But going to church with a baby, I'm learning, is an entirely different occasion.

My ward (or "service" if you're not LDS and have no idea what I'm talking about) meets for three hours every Sunday. The first hour is for Sacrament Meeting, the second hour is for Sunday School, and the third hour is kinda a continued Sunday School but the men and women split up for Relief Society and Priesthood (the kids go to Primary).

Last Sunday I missed about 80% of church. Why? Because she wanted to eat every hour. We'd sit down for the meeting, and after a short while she'd start fussing. So I'd take her out to the nursing lounge, feed her, burp her, check her diaper, to then take her back out. Repeat five times.

By the third hour I decided to just stay in the mothers lounge so I wouldn't disturb people getting up and down.

Today it started the same way. She's get wiggly, and noisy, and sometimes just outright grab my boob. But after I fed her twice I decided to put my foot down. She had eaten twice and she could go an hour or two without eating. She had to be able to. She's four months old and to the age where she should be able to gobble up her meal and be set for a few hours instead of taking sips here and there. It wouldn't kill her (or in my opinion even hurt her the slightest) to wait an extra hour.

She fell asleep nursing the second time I fed her, but she ate a lot before then. She likes to be awake, alert, and in the middle of it all and seems to hate sleeping in public. So when we sat down for the last hour and a half of church I knew she wouldn't be long before she woke up, which she did like clockwork, only about 20 minutes after she fell asleep. Just as soon as it was time for the last class.

I sat in the back and put her in my lap as I normally do. She made faces at the women beside me, and in front of me, but didn't whine. She tried to grab their songbooks, but I tried to keep her from getting a papercut. Note to self: Bring one of her board books next week.

After the song and prayer though she had had enough.

My instinct was to take her to the mother's lounge and feed her again but I decided to try something else.

I took a toy out of my bag and handed it to her. She grabbed it, shook it, and chewed on it for a few minutes. Then she dropped it over and over and watched me hand it back to her. Then she had enough of that.

I then took a pacifier out of my bag and stuck it in her mouth. She actually took it! She's not a huge paci fan so I wasn't sure what to expect, but it entertained her nonetheless. Until she dropped it out of her mouth.

I watched it hit the floor in slow motion and sighed as I reached for it under my chair. Why didn't I buy those binki wipes? I thought to myself. I know some moms put the pacifire in their mouth to, I dunno, wipe off the germs, but to meet it just seems like you're adding your own. Not that I'm a germophobe, in fact, if other people weren't around I probably would have just dusted it off on my pant leg and popped it back in her mouth. --You know that's what you'd be doing by the time you have your fourth or fifth kid anyway!

I reached in the bag and found another pacifier and stuck it in her mouth. Same deal, she was interested for a few minutes. This time I kept my hand propped under her slobber-drenched chin to catch it when she spit it out. It was like we were playing a game and finally she beat me and managed to spit it out just when I had reached for something else. And pacifier number two hit the ground.

I grabbed yet another one from my bag--surprised I had so many of these on me. But by then she was bored with the binkies. I looked at the clock. Twenty minutes left. We could do this. She really shouldn't need to eat right now.

I tried to hug her against my shoulder, sway her back and forth, cradle her, but she wasn't having it.

She was interested in the jacket my neighbor was wearing since it was a black and white zebra design. Lil' J played with her for a few moments before she started whining again. My friend thought maybe she had gas. So I laid her down on my knees and did a move I learned in our yoga class that helps relieve gas. I pulled her legs down toward me, then pushed her legs up towards her chest. In the middle of the second rep she let out a toot. And another one, and laughed. She thought it was funny.

I started making faces at her and tickling her and she kept smiling and laughing the entire rest of the class period, without another moan or whine.

It was then I realized it wasn't her fault I kept feeding her every time she whined, it was mine. I just assumed she was hungry every time when in fact she just could be getting bored.

Feeding on demand doesn't mean every time my daughter cries she's hungry, I just sometimes assume that's what's she wants. I thought she wanted to eat every hour when in fact, I was just offering to feed her every hour and of course she'd eat. It's one way to pass the time when you're bored! She's a growing human being a had a big variety of wants now, including time to play.

Even though I wasn't in the mother's lounge the last hour of church missing Sunday school class, I instead missed the lesson because I was busy laughing and playing with my baby. Either way, there's a season for everything. I'm learning this season of my life may just mean missing a few (or a year and a halfs worth of) church lessons. But at least today I learned my own personal lesson: My daughter sometimes, just wants to play.

Giving My Daughter a Head Start I Missed

I organized more of the nursery yesterday, and fumbled around with a CD player that's attached to the crib. I got it as a gift at my baby shower. I'm excited to share the gift of music with my baby girl. I pretty much immediately began searching for good lullabys to buy and save to CD to play for her at night.

Eager to start a new tradition, I bought some church primary songs off iTunes. Primary songs are children's songs kids sing at my church during the third hour... Yes, third hour of church. After Sacrament meeting and Sunday School.

My family joined the LDS church and became active when I was about 11-years-old. I've always felt "behind" compared to everyone else my age. I didn't know the songs the kids would all sing in primary, and since you graduate at 12, I didn't have much time to learn them.

I've always been a very outgoing girl. My whole life, I've never been regarded as a "shy" one. But the one place you're likely to find me out of my element is church.

When I was younger I'd always avoid eye contact with the teacher who would surely call on me to say the prayer if I looked him in the eye. I was always too afraid to answer a question about the Bible... Afraid I'd give the wrong answer and people would laugh at me. No one ever laughed at anyone, but I feared I'd be the first.

The question could be as simple as: "Who built the giant ark to hold all of the animals before the flood?" Of course I knew it was Noah, but I was to scared to answer wrong anyway... Thinking maybe there was a second guy I somehow missed reading about.

I guess religion is one of those subjects that's so serious, and important, I felt bad that I didn't know all of the answers.

As I've gotten older, much of my spirituality has grown from life's experiences, prayer, and just going to church. I still haven't overcome my anxiety with public prayers, or answering a class question, but I've gotten better. One thing I know will help me is just learning the stories better.

I've read and heard scripture stories over and over but it's so easy for me to mix people and places up. I've learn to forgive myself for this too, and just realize the only way to get better is to keep reading.

I don't want my daughter to have the same worries I do. I want her to feel confidant in knowing her scripture stories, and sing her primary songs loud and proud. I hope she'll be eager to say a prayer before our family, or in front of her Sunday school class, and be unapologetic about it.

It's never too late to build upon your spirituality, and learn more about the Gospel. I feel like having a child kind of gives me a chance to re-learn everything myself, but have a study buddy in the process.

From primary songs, to scripture stories, it'll give me a chance to learn about the gospel starting at a level I never had a chance to experience. It's an opportunity I'm so blessed to have.

If you know of any good children's Bible or Book of Mormon books? I'm not even sure how many of my readers are Christian or LDS, but this would really help me narrow down my search! The more stories in them, the better!

Aloha Little LadyBug We're 34 Weeks Pregnant!

My Dear Precious Little Ladybug,

Six weeks still seems like a long time until we meet, but when I was reading one of my update emails talking about "relaxing" as much as I can and saving up, eating up etc. for labor I realized you really are almost here.

I think my "mommy paranoia" is already starting to set in. I've heard some people experience extreme anxiety after they have babies, worried something bad is going to happen to them. I'm normally not that kind of person.. I mean, I'm not afraid if you get a little rash from a new dress. It's not cause I don't love you, it's because I don't think you'll have super sensitive skin and be allergic to new clothes. We'll see. But I AM already worried that if I'm not watching you when you're sleeping you may go to sleep an never wake up. I'm not morbid, just paranoid or something. I hope it goes away once you're born. But I have a feeling it may get a little worse before it gets better.

I had a dream two nights ago that something bad had happened to you and I woke up startled. Then I was waiting for you to move and felt a BIG JAM into my rib. Your foot. It hurt, but I smiled cause I knew you were ok.

People keep asking my if I'm ready to get you out. I am ready to meet you, I'm so excited for that. But I also feel like taking care of you now is easier than it's going to be, and I don't mind giving you all time time you need... Well, until June 30th, I REALLY want you to be a June baby. Oooh, I can call you June bug! I'll add that to your list of nicknames.

I've been thinking about our morning/night routine. I like to sing to you, as you've probably noticed, so I bought an album called "Twenty Five Beloved Primary Songs" and it has all of these songs I remember listening to when I was young. Primary is where you'll go when you're about four years old, it's at our church. You'll learn about Jesus and sing songs.

I didn't really get a chance to go to Primary but my uncle gave me a CD of some of the songs when I was young and I remembered some of them when I'd hear them at church.

I don't know all of the songs on the CD I made you but we'll learn them together. I'm going to put that CD in your player every night before bed and I'll read and sing to you. Sound like a deal?

Oh little girl, you are getting so big now! You should be about 4 3/4 pounds now, and around 18 inches long! I have a feeling you're longer though. I was a really long baby, and based on where I feel your head, and kicks, and the fact that I think you're hunched over, I think you're long too.

Your lungs and central nervous system are still developing and you're only three weeks to being term! If you were born now though you'd most likely be ok after a short stay in the NICU, but just keep cooking, we've still got lots to do before you get here!

You're developing fat layers now so you should be nice and round when you come out. That's the downside of long babies... I was so long there was nothing round about me... You daddy on the other hand, he was round for quite some time. Yes, he was very chubby. ... And had red hair, but we won't get into that. I'm hoping you have dark hair like your mommy! And lots of it!

Your daddy and I were talking about doing some practice runs to the hospital in the next couple of weeks. Just to make sure we know the routes to get where we're going, where to park and what not. We also talked more about your birth. We both have learned SO MUCH lately but we've decided not to go into it with our fists up ready to fight. We know you'll come into this world the way you're suppose to, and as long as you and I are ok, we are going to be so happy. We're not aiming for what some see as a "perfect experience" because to us, the perfect experience will be meeting you, and really, it doesn't matter the means. Besides, after comes the fun part!

We are so excited to meet you baby girl! Keep growing for us!

Love,

Mommy

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Welcome to Aloha Friday! For any of you who do not know what Aloha Friday is...In Hawaii, Aloha Friday is the day that people take it easy and look forward to the weekend. So, we take it easy on Friday blog posts by sticking to just one quick question that surfers-by can answer with just a quick response themselves. (I'm an overachiever and do this on top of my normal post).

This week I want to know:

What nicknames do you have for your family members?

My answer: I'm still coming up with nicknanes for Spawnie (besides Spawnie) but so far I have Ladybug, Baby Girl, Little J and now June Bug (if she's actually born in June).

My husband doesn't really have nicknames. I just call him "babe" and sometimes "hubby" or "hubs" on my blog.

Your turn!