Our weaning story

The last time we nursed...Well, I wasn't sure at the time that it would be our last nursing session but I guess at this point I should have treated each session like our last. Then again, I've heard other moms recall their last nursing session being so sad and emotional, I'm sorta glad I didn't know at the time. But I do remember that day I was extra appreciative of our moments together. When she'd ask (I haven't offered since she turned one) I'd allow it without hesitation, and I made an extra effort to slow down and just be with her. I took note of "the look" she'd give me. The one she always gave me while she nursed. I guess her options of things to look at were pretty limited cause usually she chose to stare at me.

She did this time too. And I set my smart phone aside and stated back at her.

She smiled at me while still latched, this was my favorite thing to get her to do while she ate--see if I could make her laugh and giggle while she was still eating. She had a talent of doing both.

She stuck her fingers in my mouth and I pretended to bite them off, and she laughed even harder. This was our little game we played over the last 17 months. I'd see if I could get her to laugh hard enough to where she lost her latch, and she'd keep checking her hand to see her fingers still in tact, them shove them back in my mouth to give me another shot.

My challenge was to make her laugh as hard as she could but also hope she didn't bite me back.

I nursed her A LOT this day. I was off work an whenever I sat down, that's just what she wanted to do.

I held her while she napped and she nursed off and on for two hours. I didn't complain about it. I guess subconsciously I knew this was the end.

The next morning she woke up extra early, so I grabbed her and we slept a few extra hours in the guest bed. Of course she nursed the whole time. This was going to be the most difficult session to cut.

The following morning I woke up before her and my husband offered to take her to school. She woke up just as I was leaving and I tried to sneak out but she got a glimpse of me. I heard her crying from the car. I called and my husband said she was fine but I knew she wasn't accustomed to starting her day that way. Without me, her morning snack.

When I picked her up from school that evening her teachers told me she was pretty moody for a few hours in the morning. I knew why. And she was asking to be nursed then, but we had to go, and I tried to distract her until we got home. By the time we did it was time for dinner then bath, than bed. And she didn't ask again, and I didn't offer.

The next morning I had to leave for work before 4:30, so I was of course long gone before she woke up. During my break I was careful not to sit down when I visited her and my husband. I knew if I did she'd ask to nurse. But I didn't and she didn't.

When I returned from work she was napping, and I knew when she woke up would be the ultimate challenge. We had already gone a day and a half without nursing and if we were going to stop, I knew I needed to ride this out.

I heard her wake up from her nap and felt an anxious feeling. This was the first time I'd be seeing her wake up since our weaning process really took off. If we could get through this, we'd be over a huge hurdle. She cried and cried, tried to pull down my shirt and kept smacking my chest. It would have been so easy and harmless to give in but I had to get past this.

I took her outside and she calmed down. I brought some of her favorite yogurt snacks with us and after a few minutes she was distracted.

The next day got a little easier, she still asked but was quickly distracted. We had gone three days without nursing. I wondered if we had hit our new stride, if my milk would have dried up by then, or if she had possibly forgotten how to latch. This was the longest in her life she had gone without nursing. Previously it had been maybe 12 hours or so. I felt bad that evening when she kept asking to eat, so I gave her some ice cream to ease my guilt. And she seemed to be happy for the substitution.

Snacks and cuddles were my new way to console her when that's what she wanted.

At church, we for the first time went an entire sacrament meeting without us heading to the nursing lounge. This was thanks partly to a woman behind us who kept playing with her, and a bag full of snacks. Next month she can start nursery, and that'll be a whole new exciting experience.

Monday I was off work, and it would be our first day together all day without nursing. I had a plan to get her out of the house because if she was entertained she didn't ask to breastfeed. That morning she woke up at 6:30. Since I had just gone to bed at 5 that morning, I wasn't ready to get up so I finally gave in and nursed her back to sleep, deciding if I nursed her at all, it would only be early mornings, if she doesn't go back to sleep on her own first.

She didn't nurse the rest of the day, and at night she's fine being hugged and kissed goodnight.

Now we're finding our new groove. Aside from a couple of mornings where we've fallen off the wagon, it hasn't been terrible. It's bittersweet seeing my little girl grow up. But I know we're embarking on a new adventures and we'll find new ways to bond. Then soon enough I'll have another nursling to start all over with.

Weaning Woes

A friend of mine told me she was spending something like $300-$400 a month on her baby's special formula, and that was all it took for me to decide I wanted to breastfeed. With that kind of money my kid could be styling in some cute clothes and we could be having some good fun.

I decided I'd pump and breastfeed as long as I could. Every month I kept going I'd treat myself with something special.

It was my excuse for taking mommy and me yoga classes, investing in photography equipment, frequent Etsy splurges, and other random indulges. I'm not going to apologize for the savings being my main motivation for breastfeeding.

It was the main reason I didn't stop at three months, or six months, or nine months. Sure, there were other great benefits, but knowing that I didn't have to buy a can or formula during every shopping trip kept me motivated and ambitious about keeping up my pumping at work.

"I did it!" I thought on her birthday. I packed away my pump and bought our first jug of whole milk for my daughter. She drank that while I was at work. Finally, this week, it dawned on me she could drink it when we're together too. It's not like the expressed liquid gold I was too stingy to use when I was home.

Whole milk doesn't keep her from wanting to nurse though. When she's done with her sippy she'll still ask for milk from me, and at 16 months I'm asking myself if I've had enough.

On my days off, or the days where my daughter doesn't go to school, she nurses several times in the morning, then basically throughout the day, any time I sit down. Until recently I was carrying on with the "don't refuse, don't offer" technique where I only nursed her when she asked, but I realized that she would nurse because she was bored.

On days that I work and she goes to school she nurses in the morning, then again in the afternoon, when I pick her up from school, usually around dinner time, then before bed.

Lately I've been trying to distract her when she asks for the fifteenth time at home, and when we're out and about. Personally, I don't like nursing her in public anymore. She's bigger, more distracted and it just makes things challenging for me.

Today when I picked her up from school she wiggled out of my arms and ran to the rocking chair I normally nurse her in when I pick her up. She's recently moved up to the "bigger kids" class and for about a week she forgot about that routine. Today I was in a hurry and didn't have time to sit down and feed her, so I told her it was time to go and that she could have milk later. Part of my heart broke watching her shake the chair we used to sit in every afternoon. She didn't push the subject like she normally does at home and church. Normally she'll cry and cry and whine until I give in or find something extra special to distract her, but she seemed satisfied with me just telling her it was time to go to the store.

We went straight to shopping, then a friends house then home to bed, and she didn't ask again. I believe today she only nursed when she first woke up (and for the two hours we snuggled together before starting our day--Thanks to Daylight Saving time she's still waking up too early.).

Could this finally be the beginning of the end? I hate to say it but I hope so. I'm ready. I'm ready to have my body back as my own. I'm ready to get her cuddles because she likes to snuggle and not because she wants to be pacified until I'm raw.

I'm ready to end the awkward moments where she sticks her hand down my dress in public. Heck... I'm ready to be able to buy and wear dresses without worrying if it offers easy access for breastfeeding.

I'm ready to start over as me, before beginning on this journey all over again.

My husband thinks it's time. He has for a while. He thinks she's too big to still be nursing. But he doesn't push the matter, at least not when we're at home. 

Then part of me worries I'll miss this when it's over. If I'll wonder why I was so eager to end this. There are sweet moments where she stares at me from below and I look into the same giant brown eyes that I first laid eyes on 16 months ago. I feel as though this is the only part of us that feels the same. Me holding her in a cradle while she nurses to sleep. It's a little sad to think we'll be growing up, moving on to the next stage.

Oh we've had our rough patches along the way--The worst being a biting frenzy around 11 months that left me mentally scarred for life. But we made it through.

What started as a way to save and excuse to splurged turned into an unexpected blessing. The savings ended four months ago, but I've continued to nurse her because it's what she's wanted, and our routine wasn't hurting anyone. But now I'm ready to close this chapter and open the next. But how?

If you've been through this I'd love to hear how you did it. I think we're getting there gradually, which may be better than cold turkey but every time we get a day off together she has a nursing relapse and is latched around the clock. Thanks in advance for your words of wisdom.

10 ways I will NOT use my breast milk

14 months, hours of pumping in the make up room, a half a dozen spilled bottles, 220 ounces of frozen breast milk down to none and one extremely healthy toddler later--I've learned a lot about breast milk, pumping, and just lactating in general.

Yes, she's still nursing. I stopped pumping when she turned one, and she drinks whole milk at school, or when I'm away. She'll nurse before bed, or when we're at home from time to time. I'm very proud of the fact that we made it to the year mark. Secretly, I hope she stops some day soon. But then again, another secret part of me enjoys having a way to keep her still when I just want to lounge out on the couch for a while. ... Stick a boob in her mouth and BAM! Quiet for days!

Over the past 14 months I've learned a lot about nursing and pumping and all that good stuff, but I'm still learning new things all the time. For instance, recently when Lil' J was attacked by ants and had yucky little bites all over her, some Twitter moms, wanting to be helpful, suggested I squirt a bit of breast milk on them.

Desperate, I gave it a shot. What the heck, it couldn't hurt right?

After a few days it didn't look like much had changed, and during her routine check up her pediatrician noticed the bites and suggested I get some Neosporin. Duh! Why didn't I think of that?

I was beginning to think these Twitter moms were pulling a prank, and I did some Googling to find out where this breast milk on ant bite suggestion came from.

I came across this article and was, quite frankly, pretty grossed out by some of the suggestions.

I told my husband about my efforts in trying to cure Lil' J's ant bites and he laughed at my breast milk attempt.

"It's like the Caribbeans and their coconut water," he told me. "They suggest you use it to cure anything and everything."

"Well, I think some of these breast milk suggestions are worse," I told him.

"Like what?"

"You don't want to know."

"Just tell me."

"Well, apparently some people use breast milk as lube."

"GROSS! Why did I ask?" I don't know... I tried to warn him.

And with that I decided to take that list and make my own. 10 things I WON'T be using my breast milk for. Here you go in no particular order:

1. Acne: Ever heard of Proactive? ... Or maybe this is the secret ingredient.

2. Diaper Rash: Luckily Lil' J rarely gets diaper rashes, but it's much quicker, easier, and probably more effective to use our cream for this.

3. Facial Cleanser: Seriously? You'd think people have gallons of their milk sitting around. Sorry, I don't wash my face with liquid gold, or my bodily fluids for that matter.

4. Cold Sores: These things are gross enough without the idea of letting milk dry on top of them.

5. Scratches, Scrapes, and Cuts: Bandaids people! And something that works... Like Neosporin.

6. Sexual Lubricant: I think we addressed this enough earlier. But I would like to know who actually has tried this sexy idea.

7. Contact Solution: If you're in a bind for contact solution please don't look for the nearest lactating mom. You can make your own by mixing salt with distilled water.

8. Chapped lips: The 25 cent chap stick in the check out aisle appeals to me more.

9. Eye Puffiness/ Redness: Once again, the thought of putting milk in my eyes seems weird and wrong. Coming from a human or not.

10. Ashy Legs/ Dry Skin: I'll admit, I've been in a bind several times where I look down and my legs are pale white from dryness. But it would take far too much milk, and would be far too awkward to pump my milk like a lotion bottle.

What do you think? Would you do any of these things?

WHO Code--Who cares?

Now just hear me out...

Raise your hand if you know what the WHO Code is.

Yea that's what I thought. Many of you don't. But it's ok. I didn't either. But why would I? I try to educate myself about many things but no matter how much research I do, I'm never going to know everything, nor will I claim to.

Most of the new things I decide to delve into and learn about are because of someone I meet, or a conversation I get into or whatnot. So I first heard about the World Health Organization (or WHO) and their stance on breastfeeding when I was watching Shari Crisos Simply Breastfeeding DVD. World Health Organization--Which to me sounds like the CDC or the AAP or whatever other organization that is in charge of regulating and informing the public on their expertise. To my knowledge, there's no official enforcement for violating the Code. Though from my understanding, the La Leche League won't accept money from Code violators, and many Code supporters boycott violators.

Personally, I don't see any of these organizations as an all-being higher power I must obey, I see their recommendations as just that--Recommendations.

So when Bravado announced they were acquired by Medela, and WHO code supporters got all upset debating whether or not they should still buy/sell Bravado bras, or support Bravado at all, I scratched my head a little. Maybe I'm a little naive, but it seems like some companies which wear the scarlet letter "VIOLATOR" aren't really that bad.

I know this is old news but I'm still trying to find out why people would stop supporting Bravado which is obviously a company that supports breastfeeding. Why would anyone else want to buy nursing bras? Their business depends on women breastfeeding. Are people worried about the company changing their values?

I'm not going to pretend to be a WHO Code expert because I'm not, but I have read it, (you can too here) and I do know companies are considered WHO code violators for things like giving away free formula (and I get that). Or for advertising the sale of bottles (but I don't get that). Or by being owned by a company that markets the sale of bottles--like Bravado being owned by Medela.

As a full time working mother and first generation breastfeeder I just wanted to SURVIVE breastfeeding. I wanted to last three months, my maternity leave, and pump enough to last a few more months when I went back to work. Reading these debates from breastfeeding advocates made me question my own position on the matter. So I did more research.

From my understanding Medela is one of the most popular brand of breast pumps out there, if not the most popular. I don't have one, but it seems like everyone else I know who pumps, does. But why are they considered WHO Code violators exactly?

I read this blog article, which was very detailed about Medela, and how they're "continually thumbed their nose at the WHO Code" and how they "...even have a statement on their website acknowledging their violation of the Code and taking the position that they will continue to do so for the foreseeable future."

She says they're violating the Code by the way they market their bottles and nipples.

Luckily she left a link to the statement, and I followed it, downloaded it and read it myself and you can too. Long story short, Medela claims to market their bottles because they were getting 100 calls/emails a day after the "2008 BPA scare" with moms asking if their bottles carried BPA. They claim by marketing their products a BPA free more women would be able to buy their products with confidence saying: "We believe it is our obligation to inform mothers that our breast pump systems, including bottles and teats, are safe. Many mothers are not aware that Medela offers a complete breastmilk feeding system, as we have not marketed this information in the past."

They go on to say they've never declared themselves as WHO Code violators and that they believe they support the intent of the Code.

Do you buy that? Well, I think every mother can decide for herself.

Now my question is should Code supporters fight fire with fire? Counter-advertise specific breastfeeding products? Go all political crazy on them and do a smear campaign on formula? But where do you get the funding for such a movement? Or could they amend the WHO Code a little, join together with companies that claim to be supporting breastfeeding, use their money, and work together to promote breastfeeding benefits while crushing the formula companies trying to discourage them?

As for me, I'm not trying to say "eff the WHO Code," or anything of that sort, because I know it serves a huge, huge world purpose to encourage mothers everywhere to breastfeed their babies. Supporters are doing their part to knock down formula companies, their heavy push to advertise to mothers who don't know any better and support companies that help breastfeeding moms.

All I'm trying to say is there are other companies who may not exactly be WHO Code compliant, but they are still doing a gosh darn good job of getting people like me to start, and continue to breastfeed.

Do you know what the number one reason I wanted to breastfeed was? Money.

I knew formula would cost me and my family hundreds of dollars a month and I didn't want to pay it. Some may be smug reading that fact, but you know what? It got me started. It committed me to trying.

Then I got hired as a writer for Bravado Designs. An awesome organization priding itself in the support of breastfeeding moms. This gig got me connected with a lactation consultant (my editor in chief) and gave me a built-in community cheering me on in my journey. Weekly I had to reevaluate why I was doing this, while learning more benefits, in addition to savings.

Before having my daughter I lobbied like crazy in a belly photo contest and won an Avent Double Electric Pump, and a Simplisse manual pump I use on occasion. These two babies are the main reasons my baby has been breastfeed as long as she has.--Not to discredit my extreme determination.

So Avent advertises their bottles are BPA free, and has some buy-one-get-one deals. Big woop. The milk had to go somewhere right? I wonder if their marketing for selling bottles to go with a breast pump is getting more women to pump and breastfeed, or discouraging more women from doing that? I can only speak for myself.

I'm sure there are other, and even better ways you can sell your product without having to market your bottles, or become Code violators, but let's just think about this for a second--Is the average every day woman who's looking for a breast pump familiar with such a code and up to date on the controversy? I don't think so. I think she's just trying to find a place to express her milk and trying to find one that's safe for her baby. If they don't advertise to her who will? We know the formula companies will.

When my breast pump broke several months ago I called Avent and told them how I work full time and needed this to pump milk for my baby. They didn't ask for my warranty information, or if I had done something to it. They sent me a replacement right away, no questions asked. They may not be up to the World Health Organization's standards but they've exceeded my expectations.

Maybe it's because I'm not a staunch advocate for breastfeeding that I'm not more upset about this merger. Or maybe it's because I don't know the full back story, or the extent to how Medela or other companies my be harming mother and babies. I don't know. But I'm not convinced this is the big deal many is making it seem (but I'm open minded to hear if I'm missing something).

I don't think I have a definite stance one way or another. I think more people should know about the World Health Organization and the good they're trying to do. I think every mom can read the code, see the ads by formula, pump, and bottle companies and decide for themselves what they think about it.
I do think it's important to stand behind an organization that's trying to regulate good products to get more women to breastfeed, but I also think it's important to stand behind other organizations that are trying to help women breastfeed, period. Does it matter what brand?

And if there's some underground movement Medela and other WHO Code violators have to get women to stop breastfeeding please tell me, and I'll see where you're coming from.

**Update** Someone on Twitter linked me to this excellent article about why Medela is considered a WHO Code violator. She states her opinion on why she thinks it's wrong but overall it seems very fair.*

Breastfeeding... Oy!

Breastfeeding is such a huge, I mean HUMONGOUS part of my life right now. Sometimes I feel like that's all I do. I could say so much on this topic I could probably dedicate an entire blog to the it. In fact, I kinda do.

If you haven't yet, check out my blog on Bravado Designs Breastfeeding Diaries. I share my highs and lows on the subject. And look out, my next post over there is a BIG doozy!

It's about the worst nursing in public experience I've had to date, and all because of my husband. Ok, well I can't totally blame him... Actually, wait, yes I can. And I do. But I won't get into it here or now, but I will do want to tell you one key thing that makes nursing on the go (if you so please), modest (if you so desire) a cinch, and  that's nursing attire. Not just covers--those are great to-- but shirts that keep you covered.

I have one from Milan Maternity and I think I'm going to order another because this one is so comfortable and flattering (if I do say so myself).

I'm still trying to each my dearest that sometimes, quickness is more important than covers or anything else if it means she's going to be screaming her head off in a matter of seconds. But again... I won't get into it.

Instead, let's do a giveaway!

Everyone who comments on this post before December 8th at midnight will be entered to win this Analissa top from Milan Maternity, the online store aimed at providing expecting and new moms with flattering designer shirts at affordable prices. Your choice in color of either mocha or dark heather. If you follow them on Twitter or  Comment on my Bravado Post (any of them) you'll get an extra entry. Or you can like my photo just because, cause I really want to win!
*Thanks Milan Maternity for sponsoring this review/giveaway.

What I Learned at Church Today: A Lesson in Nursing On Demand

Going to church on Sunday is such a great way to feel refreshed and uplifted before I start my week all over again. But going to church with a baby, I'm learning, is an entirely different occasion.

My ward (or "service" if you're not LDS and have no idea what I'm talking about) meets for three hours every Sunday. The first hour is for Sacrament Meeting, the second hour is for Sunday School, and the third hour is kinda a continued Sunday School but the men and women split up for Relief Society and Priesthood (the kids go to Primary).

Last Sunday I missed about 80% of church. Why? Because she wanted to eat every hour. We'd sit down for the meeting, and after a short while she'd start fussing. So I'd take her out to the nursing lounge, feed her, burp her, check her diaper, to then take her back out. Repeat five times.

By the third hour I decided to just stay in the mothers lounge so I wouldn't disturb people getting up and down.

Today it started the same way. She's get wiggly, and noisy, and sometimes just outright grab my boob. But after I fed her twice I decided to put my foot down. She had eaten twice and she could go an hour or two without eating. She had to be able to. She's four months old and to the age where she should be able to gobble up her meal and be set for a few hours instead of taking sips here and there. It wouldn't kill her (or in my opinion even hurt her the slightest) to wait an extra hour.

She fell asleep nursing the second time I fed her, but she ate a lot before then. She likes to be awake, alert, and in the middle of it all and seems to hate sleeping in public. So when we sat down for the last hour and a half of church I knew she wouldn't be long before she woke up, which she did like clockwork, only about 20 minutes after she fell asleep. Just as soon as it was time for the last class.

I sat in the back and put her in my lap as I normally do. She made faces at the women beside me, and in front of me, but didn't whine. She tried to grab their songbooks, but I tried to keep her from getting a papercut. Note to self: Bring one of her board books next week.

After the song and prayer though she had had enough.

My instinct was to take her to the mother's lounge and feed her again but I decided to try something else.

I took a toy out of my bag and handed it to her. She grabbed it, shook it, and chewed on it for a few minutes. Then she dropped it over and over and watched me hand it back to her. Then she had enough of that.

I then took a pacifier out of my bag and stuck it in her mouth. She actually took it! She's not a huge paci fan so I wasn't sure what to expect, but it entertained her nonetheless. Until she dropped it out of her mouth.

I watched it hit the floor in slow motion and sighed as I reached for it under my chair. Why didn't I buy those binki wipes? I thought to myself. I know some moms put the pacifire in their mouth to, I dunno, wipe off the germs, but to meet it just seems like you're adding your own. Not that I'm a germophobe, in fact, if other people weren't around I probably would have just dusted it off on my pant leg and popped it back in her mouth. --You know that's what you'd be doing by the time you have your fourth or fifth kid anyway!

I reached in the bag and found another pacifier and stuck it in her mouth. Same deal, she was interested for a few minutes. This time I kept my hand propped under her slobber-drenched chin to catch it when she spit it out. It was like we were playing a game and finally she beat me and managed to spit it out just when I had reached for something else. And pacifier number two hit the ground.

I grabbed yet another one from my bag--surprised I had so many of these on me. But by then she was bored with the binkies. I looked at the clock. Twenty minutes left. We could do this. She really shouldn't need to eat right now.

I tried to hug her against my shoulder, sway her back and forth, cradle her, but she wasn't having it.

She was interested in the jacket my neighbor was wearing since it was a black and white zebra design. Lil' J played with her for a few moments before she started whining again. My friend thought maybe she had gas. So I laid her down on my knees and did a move I learned in our yoga class that helps relieve gas. I pulled her legs down toward me, then pushed her legs up towards her chest. In the middle of the second rep she let out a toot. And another one, and laughed. She thought it was funny.

I started making faces at her and tickling her and she kept smiling and laughing the entire rest of the class period, without another moan or whine.

It was then I realized it wasn't her fault I kept feeding her every time she whined, it was mine. I just assumed she was hungry every time when in fact she just could be getting bored.

Feeding on demand doesn't mean every time my daughter cries she's hungry, I just sometimes assume that's what's she wants. I thought she wanted to eat every hour when in fact, I was just offering to feed her every hour and of course she'd eat. It's one way to pass the time when you're bored! She's a growing human being a had a big variety of wants now, including time to play.

Even though I wasn't in the mother's lounge the last hour of church missing Sunday school class, I instead missed the lesson because I was busy laughing and playing with my baby. Either way, there's a season for everything. I'm learning this season of my life may just mean missing a few (or a year and a halfs worth of) church lessons. But at least today I learned my own personal lesson: My daughter sometimes, just wants to play.

Breastfeeding Burnout

I love breastfeeding. I really do. I thought it was something I would just put up with a few months before switching to formula, but I've actually enjoyed it. I have a Breastfeeding Diaries blog I've been keeping over at Bravado Designs, and I've been lucky enough to have been able to exclusively breastfeed my daughter for more than three months now. But now this duty is becoming my demon.



Before having Little J I set a personal goal to breastfeed her for three months, during my maternity leave. That didn't mean I'd exclusively breastfeed her, or that I wouldn't supplement at times, but it ended up being to where I didn't need to supplement. In fact, I build up a stash of more than 200 frozen ounces of breast milk to use once I returned to work.



But the stash I speak of is one that is to be used for emergencies, and only taken from when it's about to expire and it's replaced with, fresh pumped milk for the day. This stash is now beginning to drive me crazy.



My first week back at work I was able to find time to take a pump break, usually two, during the day. I would pump about seven ounces a session, then nurse my daughter during my lunch breaks. That got old fast. I felt like I was lactating more than I was working. That's saying something, considering I sometimes work 55 hours a week.

I like feeling like I'm doing something for my daughter when I'm away from her, but it can be a difficult battle. Set up to take down takes me about 25 minutes. I felt guilty taking an extra 50 minutes out of my schedule to pump. Sometimes I'd try to take my laptop with me so I could keep working but that felt awkward.

So I cut back a little and pumped once at work, and fed her during my break. But then my supply started to dip. So I brought my pump home on the weekends and would pump after Lil' J went to sleep to try to get it back up to where it was.

Now, I pump six ounces during my shift, feed her during my lunch break, and then pump once more before I go home, and if I'm lucky, I get another five ounces. So I'm bringing home 11 ounces of expressed milk a day, plus feeding her during my break, and get this... She STILL wants more!

She can eat about 13 ounces of pumped milk while I'm away. Which on my 12 hour days is understandable, but on my 9 hour shifts, I'm a little confused. Regardless, imagining myself doing this routine for the next nine months is awfully daunting.

I've been counting down to the day that I can start giving her cereal and baby food/purees, whatever the crap you want to call it, but people tell me babies still drink as much milk when they start solids, and that food isn't a supplement for breastmilk or formula. Now this kinda ticks me off because I was count on this--Just gotta make it to six months--I kept telling myself. But who knew that star I've been shooting for may still be out of reach.



My friend Emily, over at Baby Dickey is hosting a series of blog parties Monday nights and I plan on asking the "baby expert" about babies and food.

Now I know there's no need to panic because of my huge milk stash, but we're slowly chipping away at it. Based on my prediction 200 ounces, using 2 a day, it should be gone in about 100 days, or 3 months give or take a week or two. Oh, and that's if she doesn't start drinking more.

When coming to this realization I've had a mix of helpful reactions in response. Some say "yea, I wasn't pumping enough so we supplemented some, no big deal." And there were others who recommend all sorts of teas, herbs and remedies to help with my "Milk Misfortune." And to be honest, I don't want remedies.

I want to just enjoy breastfeeding my daughter when I'm with her. I don't want to have to stress about pumping enough every day, then yell at my husband for pulling from the freezer stash when I didn't pump enough. I don't want to feel like I'm being a slacker at work because I need to pump every 2-3 hours. Then feel like a slacker at home when it's still not enough.

From my understanding some women are able to breastfeed at home when they're with their baby even if they're not pumping when they're away. I don't want to feel guilty if I run out and need to supplement. I don't want to drive myself crazy trying medications, acupuncture, and voodoo tricks to increase my supply. I already eat a ton of oatmeal every morning for breakfast because someone told me it helps. But I also worry part of me will feel guilty for not giving everything else a try before giving her her first bottle of formula.

I want to find some kind of balance between keeping the bliss of breastfeeding, but loosing the fear of failing.

Maybe the realization of needing to supplement will be easier to cope with once she's started to eat cereal and other things that don't come from me. At six months we'll be starting her on solids and if I'm still unable (or unwilling) to keep up with her needs while I'm away, maybe the sting won't hurt as bad since she'll already be getting other sources of food.

I don't know if I'm just sensitive because it's my first child, and maybe I'll be more laid back next time or what. But I've never felt like my worth was hanging over a single responsibility as much as I do now.

I just hope I can find a way to loose the stress and bring back love as the main emotion in breastfeeding.

Milk Making Machine

Two weeks from today I'll be leaving my daughter and returning to work, and I'm no where close to being ready.

It wasn't supposed to happen this way. I was supposed to be the woman who got stir crazy at home; tired of talking to someone with a one word vocabulary (Dada) and ready to get back to work. Besides, that's me! Career-driven woman wanting the baby and the bucks.

But that woman has died and I've come back a mother.

I could feel my old self slipping away in the early weeks. I tried to fight it. "When will I feel myself again?" I asked. And people told me never. Rather, I'd find my new self. It's true.

Instead of excitement with just two weeks left at home I'm feeling guilt. How in the world will I leave my daughter? I'm her life-source, her entertainment, her biggest fan (and I hope she's mine). How will I do this?

I've found my guilt is eased with pumping. Yes, pumping.

Not in a masochistic, punishment kind of way; but rather as a mama squirrel gathering nuts for her young to store for the winter.

I use a Phillips Avent double electric breast pump. I actually won it in a contest you may have helped me win. I love it, it's comfortable and it was a style I liked (closed valve).

I don't have a ton of time to pump between the time my daughter is nursing (she eats a lot) but since my supply is heaviest in the morning I pump on one side while she eats from the other. The side I pump from I don't feed from at her 5am and 7am feedings. So when I pump around 9am I get between 5 and 7 ounces from that one side. Having her nurse on the opposite side helps the letdown--or flow of milk--so I usually get more that way. It takes coordination, and I've lost quite a bit when she's kicked the bottle off the pump but I have it down to a science now.

I've done this almost every day since my daughter was about three weeks old. Trying to see how much I can store and save for emergencies to use once I go back to work has become my addiction.

To date I've saved 184 ounces of milk. My freezer now holds more breastmilk than food. And the sight is one I'm mighty proud of.

It gives me flashbacks to this picture taken about a year ago.

Go big or go home.

Despite my skills at filling my fridge with human milk, I'm still worried about going back to work and keeping up with pumping. Before maternity leave I rarely had time for a lunch break, much less a few pumping breaks at work. I'm still not sure how things will go when I get back but if people manage to take several smoke breaks a day and still make deadline, I should be able to pump out my quota of milk and still get my story in by 5.

I know my job though and I know I won't always get those breaks. Plus, going from feeding my baby on demand whenever she wants to scheduled pump breaks may put a damper in my supply. So the more I store the better (though in my non-deep freezer it just lasts for 3 months).

I've armed myself with tools to help me be successful as long as possible. My pump, as mentioned before. Picture sideshows on my phone of my daughter, a schedule I hope to follow (barring breaking news) and what I'm most excited about--a PumpEase--My hands free pumping bra.
I've used it a few times when I've tried double-pumping while Lil'J is sleeping, and it's brilliant.

Normally I'm holding one pump to me and holding my daughter in the other arm. My hands aren't free to do anything else. With my PumpEase I'm able to type at the computer, talk on my phone, and move around as much as my pump will let me. I know it'll be a lifesaver when I return to work and I've already made it a habit to store it in my pump bag.

There will probably be times where I need to pump in my car, if I remember to bring my pump along with me, and get a car adapter for it (need to get on that) plus my feeder frock from LaDy LaDuke (to stay discreet) and my PumpEase will make pumping while driving possible.

Same if I'm back at the office. I can lock myself in a room and I'll be able to pump while I write or edit on my laptop.

I'm not sure how much milk I'll need to extract a day in order for it to be enough for my daughter for the next day, but I'm hoping I can get enough.

It's a huge blessing that my husband will be at home with my daughter. And since we don't live far from my job, when I have the time I want to come home and feed her during my lunch breaks.

Oh, I say this now but only time will tell how it will all pan out. My goal is to make it to six months exclusively breastfeeding, then I'll be able to start giving her mashed up veggies and stuff to help tie her over.

I feel horrible about leaving her so I can return to work but it's not possible for me to stay at home with her at this time in my life. But somehow, knowing I'm still the one sustaining her chins and rolls will help me feel a little less guilty for not being with her.

Transitioning back to work will probably be the hardest thing I've done in my life. But I'm preparing as best as I can.

Now I only I could find a way to make more freezer space...

Everyone who comments on this post before the 11:59pm on September 23rd (my first day back at work) will be entered to win a hands-free PumpEase hands-free pumping bra of their choice.
You get extra entries for following PumpEase on Twitter and/or Facebook
Random.org will choose the winner. Good luck!

Breastfeeding: A Love Story

So many women think breastfeeding is a natural thing that will just happen organically after birth. I didn't.

Maybe it's my hypersensitivity or the way I always happen to run into the horror stories, but I was preparing myself for the worst.

I defended formula feeders because I was formula fed and really, who am I to care, much less judge someone for their decisions on how they feed their child? I'd expect the same respect.

Choosing to breastfeed started as an attempt, something I thought I'd endure through blood, sweat and tears just so I could save money. After my baby came, I waited. And the blood and sweat never showed up.

There were tears though--Oh there were tears. But not from the pain like I imagined it would be.

There was pain. In the beginning as I got used to her latching on. Then the cramping breastfeeding would cause in my uterus returning to it's smaller size. But I made it through those moments.

The first night home was the worst. That's when the tears came. My milk hadn't come in and my baby wanted to eat all night. Looking back I guess I could have supplemented that first night home to calm her cries but then, I didn't know they were because if hunger. Nevertheless we survived.

Now, her having nothing but food from me, and having made it through the proclaimed "Hell weeks" I have a little internal game going on. How long will my milk be all she gets?

I don't plan on nursing past a year right now, but before, a year even seemed like an impossible feat. Mostly because of my job. Now I'm optimistic, though I know the day she finally eats something else will be a shot to my pride. My 13.5 pound 7 week baby came from me... I did that! It's amazing to see.

I'm returning to work soon and I've been pumping daily to have a stash, and I hope to keep pumping when I start working. Hopefully enough to not have to supplement for a while.

I have a can of formula in my cupboard. Enfamil sent it to me and I didn't throw it away like many suggested. It's not like I don't have will power, or like it's poison. There may be one day I need it, or perhaps I'll donate it. I know many friends who tried to breastfeed and couldn't or didn't for whatever reason, and it wasn't an easy transition for any of them.

I cried when my baby had her first bottle at two weeks, fearing she wouldn't breastfeed again.

Then I cried at six weeks when we tried to give her her second, third and forth bottle, but she wouldn't take it.

I thought breastfeeding would be something I would just endure until I couldn't stand to do it anymore, but instead it's become something I love more than I could have imagined.

The Boob Shark

It happens fast.
Eyes shut

Nose wiggling, sniffing sniffing
Fishing for food.
Breath gasping
Snout snorting
Head bobbling
Mouth open, shut, open, shut
All the senses on the hunt-- For my boob.

When she finds it she attacks.
The gasping stops
and turns to gulps
She settles.
She's happy--Content.
The boob shark found her meal.

If I'm lucky, when she's full--
She'll either be milk drunk
or give me this look: