Wednesday, September 14, 2011

10 ways I will NOT use my breast milk

14 months, hours of pumping in the make up room, a half a dozen spilled bottles, 220 ounces of frozen breast milk down to none and one extremely healthy toddler later--I've learned a lot about breast milk, pumping, and just lactating in general.

Yes, she's still nursing. I stopped pumping when she turned one, and she drinks whole milk at school, or when I'm away. She'll nurse before bed, or when we're at home from time to time. I'm very proud of the fact that we made it to the year mark. Secretly, I hope she stops some day soon. But then again, another secret part of me enjoys having a way to keep her still when I just want to lounge out on the couch for a while. ... Stick a boob in her mouth and BAM! Quiet for days!

Over the past 14 months I've learned a lot about nursing and pumping and all that good stuff, but I'm still learning new things all the time. For instance, recently when Lil' J was attacked by ants and had yucky little bites all over her, some Twitter moms, wanting to be helpful, suggested I squirt a bit of breast milk on them.

Desperate, I gave it a shot. What the heck, it couldn't hurt right?

After a few days it didn't look like much had changed, and during her routine check up her pediatrician noticed the bites and suggested I get some Neosporin. Duh! Why didn't I think of that?

I was beginning to think these Twitter moms were pulling a prank, and I did some Googling to find out where this breast milk on ant bite suggestion came from.

I came across this article and was, quite frankly, pretty grossed out by some of the suggestions.

I told my husband about my efforts in trying to cure Lil' J's ant bites and he laughed at my breast milk attempt.

"It's like the Caribbeans and their coconut water," he told me. "They suggest you use it to cure anything and everything."

"Well, I think some of these breast milk suggestions are worse," I told him.

"Like what?"

"You don't want to know."

"Just tell me."

"Well, apparently some people use breast milk as lube."

"GROSS! Why did I ask?" I don't know... I tried to warn him.

And with that I decided to take that list and make my own. 10 things I WON'T be using my breast milk for. Here you go in no particular order:

1. Acne: Ever heard of Proactive? ... Or maybe this is the secret ingredient.

2. Diaper Rash: Luckily Lil' J rarely gets diaper rashes, but it's much quicker, easier, and probably more effective to use our cream for this.

3. Facial Cleanser: Seriously? You'd think people have gallons of their milk sitting around. Sorry, I don't wash my face with liquid gold, or my bodily fluids for that matter.

4. Cold Sores: These things are gross enough without the idea of letting milk dry on top of them.

5. Scratches, Scrapes, and Cuts: Bandaids people! And something that works... Like Neosporin.

6. Sexual Lubricant: I think we addressed this enough earlier. But I would like to know who actually has tried this sexy idea.

7. Contact Solution: If you're in a bind for contact solution please don't look for the nearest lactating mom. You can make your own by mixing salt with distilled water.

8. Chapped lips: The 25 cent chap stick in the check out aisle appeals to me more.

9. Eye Puffiness/ Redness: Once again, the thought of putting milk in my eyes seems weird and wrong. Coming from a human or not.

10. Ashy Legs/ Dry Skin: I'll admit, I've been in a bind several times where I look down and my legs are pale white from dryness. But it would take far too much milk, and would be far too awkward to pump my milk like a lotion bottle.

What do you think? Would you do any of these things?

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