How one family's loss is changing my perspective

Let me start of by saying THANK YOU! To all of your sweet compliments about my first engagement shoot. I was not expecting that kind of response and it truly made my week!

The beautiful couple loved them and even asked if I do weddings but I'm way WAY too scared to photograph such an important day right now. But it's giving me something to think about and explore in the future. Photography has been a part-time passion of mine but I'm beginning to wonder if I can or should make it something more.

My JOB job also gave me something to think about this past week. I was feeling uninspired. Sucky. Worthless. Not completely worthless, but just questioning what I'm doing day in and day out, and if I am really making an impact. Where I am and where I saw myself being at this point isn't exactly coinciding. I was having a "woe is me" moment.

Then, I did two stories that changed my outlook.

A couple of years ago, I read this Washington Post article about a fatal distraction--Parents who forgot their children in their cars on the way to work. Their children died and they have to live with that guilt and pain the rest of their lives. So many people read stories like that and get accusatory "how could you forget?" "I'd never do that!" "What horrible parents!" but I had the opposite approach thinking it could happen to me. It could happen to anyone, but I want to do what I can so it doesn't.

Earlier this year I started a parenting segment at my news station, and doing a story on this issue has been on my mind from the start. I just needed the right elements.

As the temperatures warmed up the story nagged from the back of my mind.

I did a little research and found a family who had a little girl about my daughter's age, and lost her last year after a hot car death. They speak openly about it so that they can prevent it from happening to someone else.

When I went to their house and listened to them tell me their story, I fought back tears, and I lost to a few of them.

I won't pretend to know how it feels to experience what they felt. But as I listened to the father describe blacking out after realizing what had happened, the mother sharing the horror she felt when she found her daughter, still barely alive, I tried to imagine myself in their shoes. And just pretending to be in their shoes gave me a horrible sinking feeling.

I nearly cried while writing and editing the story as well. The most heartbreaking part to me was when Brett, the dad, talks about the ducks in the pond that were his daughters, and even though they have trouble floating, he can't bear to take them out because they are the original ducks that belonged to Sophia.

You can read more about their story and mission at RayRaysPledge.com.

Here's the story if you'd like to see it, and get a glimpse of my "day job" and see one of the most important stories I've done in my career.

Later that day I interviewed a young man, only 29, who was on top of the world last year, and while diving into his pool, he slipped and broke his neck. He also brought me to tears. I couldn't help but think about something like this happening to my husband, or myself. You can watch that story here.

This week truly made me stop, count my blessings, and realize I have so much to be thankful for.

Baby Makin'... Photos?

That doesn't quite sound right now does it? Especially when it comes to taking engagement photos. I'm still working on some kind of name for my new endevor but since it's just a hobby right now, I'm not too worried about it. I did take a suggestion from some of my readers who follow me on facebook and made a watermark using "BMM Photography" so those of you who read know who I am. Still working on how it looks but I suck on graphic design so that may take a second.

On life... We moved into our new place (and are going through binky withdraws, or as my husband calls it "crack withdrawals") but I'll get more into that later. We didn't take extra time off to move so we've been trying to unpack as we go, but the main stress of it all is behind us I think. Now I get to focus on putting things where I want them to go, and decorating.

Just before our move a friend of mine told me her little sister is getting married and asked if I'd take her engagement photos. This was my first engagement shoot so I'm excited to share. Look past the ugly logo, still working on that.

He: Is a fireman in training and former Texas State football player.
She: Is a 5'4 second grade teacher with a bubbly personality.
They: Were like models, and made my day.

They had connections and got us on the Texas State Football field, and we took the others in San Marcos around the river. I told my husband I want to move there now.

I told them I'd get them 20-30 photos on a DVD but I ended up shooting more than 500 and editing more than 80. There were too many fun ones to choose from!

Let me know what you think of my first try at this! It's so strange seeing other faces besides Lil' J pop up in my camera.

Why moving is heartbreaking

Tonight is our last night in this place we've called home for the last three years. It's the longest we've lived in a single place our entire married life.

I've been so overwhelmed with the packing that I hadn't stopped to think about what we're leaving.

Our little two bedroom 2.5 bath Townhome was the perfect place to move. Close to my downtown job. A small back yard with a white picket fence just large enough for our Snoop to romp around in. It was a downsize from our three bedroom condo in Utah, but it still fit us well.

Then we decided to have a baby and we quickly filled the space. Even still, this home is where I spent the happiest days of my life.

It's where I carried my child, welcomed my child, and where I've raised her. It's where my husband and I confided during some of our most difficult challenges. In many ways, I think it's where we really began to discover ourselves. On our own, far from family, making a new home and growing our own family.

At Subway this afternoon, where we took a quick break for lunch, I broke down. The tears came out of no where. I realized TONIGHT would be our last night in this home we've grown so much in.

This afternoon was the last time our daughter would greet the neighbors who've watched her grow up. The last time she'd run next door yelling "flowers!!" while sticking her nose in them to take a whiff.

It was the last time we'd run across the street to watch the butterflies drink from a pretty garden.

"What if she freaks out about the new place?" I asked my husband.
"She won't. We'll be there too. With all of her toys and things." He assured me.

He laughed at my emotional state. But I couldn't help it.

I've moved so many times and every time it's been much further than this one. But that hasn't made it easier.

We're going to have an extra bedroom and a garage, plus a nice yard and new neighborhood to play in. I have a sky high stack of boxes full of my things, my two favorite people and our favorite fur ball coming with me, but I still feel like I'm leaving a part of me behind.

What keeps me moving forward (aside from that April 30th deadline) is the hope and excitement for a new batch of memories. New adventures with my husband, new babies (if I'm lucky), and lots LOTS more fun with the one I already have.

How do you stop a pacifier addiction?

This is definitely one of those situations I said I'd never be in. You know, those things you say you'll never do before you've actually become a parent?

My daughter never liked pacifiers as an infant. Oh how I wanted her to. But she just spit them out. Always preferring to use me instead.

We ended our nursing experience about gosh... Four or five months ago. Could it be that long? I think so.


Even still, since then, from time to time she'll give me hints that she remembers the experience--and even seems willing to give it a go again, if I were open to it. Which I'm not. Eew.

The last time she nursed I knew it was time to be done because it just didn't feel right anymore. She had gone days without it, then sporadically she tried again and that sweet feeling I use to feel was gone. And I knew we'd never do that again.

Sometimes she'll watch me changing and open her mouth like "yea mom, I remember that!" and I'm thinking "child, you crazy." But I know at certain times she misses it more than others. Like when she's sick.

She likes to stand up on the counter tops and choose what snacks she wants to eat from her cupboard. A few weeks ago, the day she threw up before we were leaving for work and school, I stayed home with her. She had opened the cupboard next to hers with the bottles and pacifiers and reached for a paci.

I thought nothing of it. It was cute, and she wasn't feeling well so I let her play with it. She mostly chewed on it and didn't seem too extremely amused so I let her hang on to it the whole day.

She was able to nap in my arms and stay relatively calm the rest of the day. At first I thought this was because she wasn't feeling well, but I later learned it was a symptom of the binky.

It quickly became an addiction of ours more than hers. I'd hand it to her while I prepared her lunch, or if I just wanted to snuggle with her in bed. Otherwise she'd be busy and all over the place, or giving us orders. My husband would use them to get her down for naps so she wouldn't need to cry.

The pacifier was good but oh so bad.

It's only been a few weeks but this casual toy has turned into a full blown addiction.

The other day when my husband and I picked her up from school Lil' J asked:
"Binky? Binky?"
"Your binky is at home baby, we'll get it after we go to the store ok?" I told her.
"Ok."
...
Second later...
"Binky?... Binky?!! BINKYYYYYYYY!!!"

Within moments she was hysterical and my husband was detouring to our place to get her dang pacifier so she could calm the freak down.

We have become this thing's slave.

I had no idea kids could get hooked this late in life.

While this is adorably cute, I know something needs to be done. It won't be good for her pretty teeth, and she's almost two for heaven's sake.

Luckily I already have ground-rules in place so this isn't a complete worse-case-scenario. For one, she doesn't get it at bedtime, at school, or when we're playing outside. Basically she only uses it for a little while in the morning (it's the first thing she asks for) and on the ride to and from school. Sometimes she'll sneak in some more paci time on our days off but I've tried to limit that.

Now I'm ready to be done completely and I'm thinking our move this week is a great time to kick this bad habit to the curb.

Here are my ideas:

Plan 1: Throw them all away the day we move. Once we're in the new place and she asks for it, explain they're at the old house and that there are no binkies here.
Suffer through a few days of whining.

Plan 2: Blame it on the dog. She's seen Snoop go for her toys before, and she knows he's capable of toy destruction. She may understand better if I tell her Snoop ate them and they're all gone.
Sure, she may be bitter at him for some time but he can take one for the team.

Plan 3: Cut off the nipples. Ouch, that no only sounds painful, it seems the most cruel. She'll get her hopes up only to be completely deflated by a broken binky. I'm not sure I could do this unless I felt like this was somehow humane.

Plan 4: Let her trash them. She loves throwing things in the trash and maybe if I tell her to throw them away and that they're "all gone" she'll get it.
Then again she may be obsessed with the trash after that and keep getting into it months later thinking her binkies are still in there.

Plan 5: "Donate them" to another baby. Let her help me give them to either a neighbor, or a doll, or some baby so she feels like she's a big girl helping someone younger than her who needs it more than she does.
I'd like to think she gets some of my sympathetic attributes and that this technique would solve all our problems, however I have a feeling I'm being extremely optimistic.

What do you think? Have you had experience with dumping pacifiers? I'd love your advice!

A letter to my pre-mother self

I'm still undecided on my theory of time travel, but just in case, I'm writing a series of letters to my younger self, to help her through some important crossroads.

Here's the first.

Dear Jennifer:

I know you've got a lot on your mind. You're trying to figure out the best way to time it all: Career, family, traveling. And you're plate never seems full enough.

How do I know all of this? Because I'm you! An older, and wiser you.

Let me tell you woman, your career... You may think you know what you want to do but that's all going to change. Sure, you've wanted to work for CNN your entire life, but there are things coming your way that are going to blow your mind. You don't believe it now, but trust me, in a few years you are going to wonder why CNN was ever appealing to you in the first place.

Next, about babies.

You look at women around you who swoon and brag bout their kids and wonder what all the fuss is about. Newsflash! Other people's kids aren't as fun as your own.

You also hear mothers complain and whine, so you wonder why they KEEP having more kids if it's so bad, and the "hardest job in the world." Here's the thing. Parenting isn't hard labor or rocket science, it's just an incredibly large investment with your heart as collateral. That's what makes it so hard.

You think you know love now, but just wait. In fact, knowing what I know now, and how much love all the mothers on the world must have, I'm amazed at how much hatred still exists.

I know you are waiting for the perfect time. Waiting for some sign, or obvious signal that THIS IS IT. The RIGHT time to have a baby! But that won't happen. Not in the way you're hoping it will. This is just one of those things you're going to have to go with your gut on. The right time is after unrealistic and somewhere between terrifying and excitement. It's always going to seem a little scary. I only have the one right now and I'm scared to add another to the mix. But I'm more excited than anything else and that mix of emotions seems about right. But back to you... Don't worry, it's all going to be ok.

Your husband--my husband a but younger--is going to take some convincing. He's still the same way today. That's just how he is. Don't worry he LOVES being a daddy and is completely smitten by our child. Just today he told me how he's so happy to be a father. He may seem scared out of his mind and completely against it at times, but he'll come around. Keep reminding him how good of a dad he'll be. If I remember correctly, that's what did it.

I know you worry most about the permanency of it all. Once you become a mother you are always a mother and can't go back. You can hardly commit to a toothpaste without slight anxiety. I know. I get it! But this is one of those things you won't regret.

It'll awaken a side of you you didn't know exist, and open your eyes to a whole new world of possibilities and joy.

Jennifer, this is a defining moment in your life and a start of a journey that will put your life in lightening mode. So fasten your seatbelt and enjoy the ride.

Love,

Your Older, Wiser Self

Birth control for men: He says/ She says

She says: "Hey honey, today I read an article about birth control for men and it was really cool."
He says: "Oh yea?"
She says: "Yea, would you do it?"
He says: "What is it?"
She says: "Well, you get a shot near your testicle and--"
He says: "--Oh hell no!"
She says: "I think it turns your stuff to jelly or something, I don't know, but it's reversible."
He says: "Yea but what if it doesn't reverse?"
She says: "I don't know, I guess we could freeze some of your sperm just in case."

Turns out, it doesn't turn their stuff to jelly, it just kills the sperm when they pass a non-toxic channel that has magnetic-like components. And after another shot of baking soda and water and the birth control will be flushed out. You can read all about it here.

What say you? Would your husband do it?

Homemade Easter Eggs with a Crazy Toddler: What I'm Makin' Monday

I'm going to start off with a bit of good old fashioned TMI, for old time's sake. Afterall, this is the stuff I started this blog to write about...

Well, I was taking this birth control you see, and it was making me crazy. Not certifiably but I was getting so emotional, and moody, and I was COMPLETELY unmotivated. Yes, I blame my birth control for killing my drive (in more than one way) and making me a lazy blob that goes to bed as early as (GASP) 8:30.

So, a week ago I decided to toss it to the curb (yes my husband knows, I'm not going rogue) (and no, I haven't 100% convinced him for #2 yet).

Another thing I kicked last week... Caffeine. I didn't drink a lot of it. Mostly just on the weekends for my 4:30am shift, and I'd split a 5-Hour Energy 1/2 Saturday 1/2 Sunday. But I successfully survived my first (half) weekend without it (I was sick Saturday and had a fill-in).

All that to say that I'm proud of myself for composing this post at 11:30pm (now 2:10am). I just put Lil' J down for bed at 11:15. No, that is not the norm, but for some reason, tonight I couldn't bear to let her go any earlier.

Since I have been going to sleep early, and I already packed my sewing stuff, I'm going to have to get creative with my Makin' Monday posts these next few weeks. This week, I made this silly child one happy girl.

Dress from Grandma!

The day started Sunday morning around 4am. I got up just before my husband and hurried to get ready for work. The babysitter arrived just before I left and my husband followed shortly behind me.

Sadly, this month we've both had to work weekend mornings and the overlap is brutal. Daycare plus a weekend nanny... Not ideal. But during the week we have each been able to spend time more with Lil' J at home.

I perused Facebook at work and kept seeing everyone post their adorable Easter photos and talk about the Easter Bunny visiting. I was SO envious. I couldn't wait to get home and go to church and play Easter Bunny with my girl too.

Unfortunately, I hadn't done a good job preparing for our fun time ahead. I had already packed/given away our plastic Easter eggs, had no candy, and wasn't sure if we had real eggs in the fridge.

I checked during my break and we had just over half a dozen, but they expired February 4th. .... Woops. Oh well, we didn't have to EAT them, just decorate them.

One thing I remembered is that we had some egg dye in one of our cupboards from last year that we needed to use or lose before the move. Perfect timing! I set a mental game plan and counted down til I was off work.

I went straight to church to meet our nanny and Lil; J. She was in the nursery, so I went to sacrament meeting of another ward to hear the Easter service, and we met up at the end.

BINGO! Her nursery teachers handed her three plastic eggs, I had a fourth a friend of mine gave me at work. That would be enough for hunting!

When we got home the fun started. I pulled out a pot and the eggs and Lil' J knew we were about to do something fun. She wanted to help in the entire process.

I don't even really know the correct way to boil eggs but I figured since we weren't going to eat these anyway it couldn't hurt if I did it wrong. Lil' J helped me put the eggs in the cool water then I set the pot on the stove to boil. I let it boil for a good half hour while I cleaned off the table and got the dye ready.

Sadly, I packed most of our Tupperware too so our dye containers were a nice eclectic assortment of tubs ranging from condiment containers to breastmilk storage cups. Nice.

Lil' J repeated the colors after me while I added vinegar and water and kept ooohing and ahhhing as they bubbled (and of course tried to dive out of my arms to stick her finger in them).

We let the eggs cool then I asked her which color she wanted to start with.

"Boo" she said. Ok, blue. Good choice.

The glitter packets that were in the kit long surpassed their best by date and were all dried out... Sad face!! But she still had fun using the squirt tube things (she was very serious about this).
I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but for some reason I expected my one year old to gracefully show me her Easter eggs while I snapped photos.

No.

She'd pick it up for a moment then drop it on the floor. Where Snoop was waiting, hoping to escape with one.

Then I'd flip out.

"No!! Be gentle with the pretty eggs!! Don't drop them!! No more!"

Lil' J: *Tears* and "AAAHHHs"

"Ok fine, but don't drop it ok?"

"Ok."

*SMASH*

*Face to palm*

I asked her to show me the pretty egg, thinking she'd choose her favorite and she picked the blue one, but I snapped the photo just as she let go. Here it is shattered anyway.

Then I got a grip and just had fun letting her make a mess, dropped eggs and all (though trying to selvage as many as I could for a hunt.)

My husband texted me saying he was going to be late, though luckily he was only a couple hours late, and home in plenty of time for an egg hunt. He got her dressed again while I--I mean, the Easter Bunny hid them outside (luckily he makes late afternoon stops for weekend-working parents).
The eggs were hidden yet somewhat obvious. Tall grass, notches in a tree, between branches on a fallen limb. I figured she'd need help with a few.

Now let me tell you, I don't know if she remembers the hunt we went to last year where eggs in front of her were snatched by big kids on the prowl; or if she had practiced hunts at school; or if she just understood when I handed her a basket and said "go find the eggs" but she went to town and snatched them all up on her own, with only a few general direction cues.

It wasn't easy capturing pictures of her running around and grabbing eggs, but I got a few decent ones, and some blurry ones that were still too cute to ignore. If anything I'll remember how dang excited she was to hunt for eggs.


I thought she would be more excited about her purse, I specifically picked out the pre-made, UN-origional, generic basket with a purse because she's always carrying around my purse and she actually just started saying "purse" but she barely wanted anything to do with it. She wanted the eggs and what was inside them.

Daddy had no problem obliging.

Then we had a very-not-fancy Easter dinner, and an evening Skyping with long-distance grandparents, aunts and uncles. Good times for sure.

My husband took off for bed before 9 and I decided I wanted a few more snuggles with my crazy bunny. By 11, she was pointing to her room, and jumping into her crib with pleasure. As I rocked her before setting her down I thought what strength it would take to sacrifice my child as God did. Goodness gracious, that's love.

It was a long, beautiful, day. One I know I'll always cherish.

What did you do this Easter?

Just because I didn't make anything crafty doesn't mean I don't want to see your domestic skills. Link up and share!

Happy Easter 2012!

I'm so happy to hug my family a little tighter this Easter Sunday. And thankful for His sacrifice.

Happy Easter! From Lil' J and her Mama (and Daddy too although not pictured)!

Need home decorating advice

In all of the places we've lived and move over 7 years together, I've never been very good at decorating. Go figure.

Currently, I have a total of four deorations hanging in my living room, making it look bare. I really want to start fresh at the new place and maybe do a photo-wall or something. I have tens of thousands of photos of Lil, J but no recent ones printed and none hanging at all.

I know, it's a disgrace.

This is one I'm thinking of blowing up and making a sequence of three similar black/white photos of her.

I need to get family photos done so I have some of those to choose from, but I'm waiting for my photographer to stop being pregnant.

Then, I need to go through my photos, and print my favorites to hang.

I was thinking of getting a bunch of thrifted frames and spray painting them all a similar color scheme. I don't have a livingroom color scheme now ap I'm planning to start fresh.

In fact, is it a good idea to donate the few random decorations I have so I 1. Don't have to move them and 2. Don't feel obligated to use them in my new place?

I'm not exactly a hoarder but I do get a slight anxiety about getting rid of something. I worry I'll end up needing it tomorrow. The thing that helps is knowing its going to someone who needs it.

Pinterest is a good resource but I don't really know where to start.

We are going to get new (to us) couches and I'll make curtains. Other than that I haven't a clue how to get the home decorating bug and how to do it right.

Start fresh, or bring what I have to start (which isn't much).

I'd love to hear your ideas!

Also, I have a cool nook area in the livingroom that I'd love to make pretty. What would you put there?

I hope to document my progress and with your help, pull something off that looks somewhat cute.

**Added** We are renting, so I'd prefer not to paint and have to re-paint back to white.**

Being a church leader: He says/ She Says

Flashback to Lil' J's blessing day.

She says: "I went to a friend's house for lunch and she was just called to be Relief Society president."
He says: "Wow, that's cool."
She says: "Yea, it is. And another lady at the lunch party's husband is a bishop. What if you were bishop some day?"
He says: "HA! That would never happen."
She says: "Well maybe, some day."
He says: "Maybe. That would be the coolest church ever. But then I'd get released in about a week."

Translations for people who aren't familiar with LDS terms: "Ward" is our congregation. "Relief Society President" is like the leader for the women in our congregation. And a Bishop is our congregation leader.

What did I make this week? Plus an Announcement!

What did I craft or cook up this week? Nothing. Absolutely NADA. Unless you count turkey sandwiches, but I didn't take photos so I'm not sure that counts.

It's ok though. It's been one of those weeks. I'm working 6 days in a row, and feeling worn out to the max. BUT there are some good things happening.

Lil' J is OBSESSED with buses. She yells and points every time we pass one like she's trying to catch it. We've taken the bus to the park three times now and she asks about them daily. I have tons of pictures I need to share and blog about this cheap fun idea but until then, here's a few of our most recent trip taking a bus to a concert.

Waiting at the bus stop.

Checking herself out in the driver's mirror.

"WEE!"

Shawn from Boyz II Men

The concert we were riding to see? Boyz II Men! Saturday night we had VIP clearance at the Austin Urban Music Festival. I was literally a couple of feet away from touching Shawn, my longest-lasting crush. I told Lil' J to waive at him. She was watching the whole thing from my backpack carrier. More on this later!

Getting a look for herself.

Another positive? I picked up the keys to our new place yesterday. I still haven't packed a single box but we have a month of overlap so I'm not exactly freaking out yet.

I have a strange impulse to collect as many boxes as I can, before packing any. *shrug*

And finally, for the announcement...

I hinted to an exciting project I've been working on for months, long ago. Today it launched on Parenting.com and it's sponsored by Hallmark. I haven't been doing my 365 Love Letters on this here blog because I've been working on capturing 365 Moments there. I'm so excited and I hope you'll follow along and even add your own photos capturing special moments in your family's life. One could even be published in Parenting Magazine! I'm crossing my fingers I'll get to see Lil' J in there one of these days.

I imagine a lot of photos coming up will be of moving boxes. OY!

Just because I didn't make anything crafty doesn't mean I don't want to see your domestic skills. Link up and share!