Sick day

I'm lying on the couch. Typing this in one hand on my iphone while Lil' J lies beside, curled up in my other arm.

I was pumped for today. I had been busting butt all week trying to crank out stories for the weeks ahead. Everything was recorded, today was my day to go in, write and edit it all.

I woke up before 7. Made breakfast and our lunches. Got my daughter dressed and gave her some milk to sip on while I finished getting ready.

When she finished that cup she asked for more and I obliged.

Shoes, bow, check, check. Poured Snoop some food and grabbed Lil' J to go. I felt a slight rumble in her tummy and instinctively knew what was coming. I tilted her forward slightly as she vomited all over our floor.

Instincts didn't tell me where to run, which should have been the bathroom I was standing next to, but instead we ran around to the kitchen sink, her throwing up a few more times along the way.

It was all milk. Just like it was yesterday. Her school called to tell me she threw up once. She didn't have a fever so they said they'd stop giving her milk, and that she could stay, they'd take care of her.

I hurried as fast as I could but I still didn't get to her until 6 hours later. I felt guilty.

Thankfully, she was feeling better. We went to the store and got "sick food" then played with her a little longer before bed.

That brings us back to this morning.

I called to work, unable to bear taking her to school--although when asked, she said she still wanted to go.

I called her teacher who said she'd be more than happy to watch her while I get work done, and that they'd keep dairy out of her diet. I'll admit the offer was tempting. Missing today means getting even more behind but I know this is where I need to be. Snuggled with my sickling, and nursing her back to health (not literally, we are done with that).

But now in stumped. I bought her new milk yesterday but didn't open it yet. I smelled the milk she's drinking now and it smells fine. It's not expired. Which is why I tried again this morning. Now we are definitely done with that batch, but I worry it's not that specific milk but milk in general. Will this be a permanent thing or does she just have an upset tummy?

Oh the confusion never ends!

Look who visited me at work today...

Between spinning around and around in my desk chair (and then setting her down to watch her walk like a drunk) we pretended she was my co-anchor.

Good times.

Quality vs quantity time with my daughter

What matters more: The amount of time you spend with your child, or the quality of time you spend together?

I think I've learned the answer to that question this week.

It's been slightly insane the past few days. My husband is now halfway through his training and we're beginning to get a taste of what his schedule will be like once he graduates.

He's in to work at 5pm and not home until after 2am. This week I was beat and in bed before he got home then back at work before he and Lil' J woke up. It's just been one of those weeks where I wonder what it would be like if I stayed at home with her and didn't have any place I had to be.

I tried my best to hurry to work early so I could get home earlier, and catch my husband before he left for work. But he had to leave extra early for his shift and by the time I picked up Lil' J from school and made it home, I'd just miss him. I was frustrated and felt like I was seeing both of them... Well, never.

I have some time off coming up around the holidays, which normally is a good thing for most people, but for me this means I have to put in a little more work now. I'm writing and editing stories in advance, and doing extra interviews.  Everything combined means a little more overtime and a little less time at home with my family.

I know I get a mix of sentiments from other moms. Some know exactly how I feel and others don't wish they were in my shoes. I suppose some could wish they were, but I doubt it.

That full-time daycare that we pay for, but use part-time finally earned its keep this week.We took her all five days versus her usual three.

It's not like she doesn't like it. In fact, my husband told me this morning she kept grabbing his shoes, demanding he put them on, and shaking her car seat, while saying "skoo" "skoo" which means "school" in Lil' J talk. I just feel bad when she's spending more time playing with her teachers and friends than she is playing with me.

There's hardly anything in this world that makes me feel worse than picking my daughter up from school and only having time to feed, bathe and dress her for bed before it's time for us to crash and do it all over again in the morning.

I had had enough. It was time to reconnect.

I went in a couple of hours earlier than I normally do and told myself I was skipping a lunch and leaving exactly eight hours later. Then I picked my daughter up for some good old fashioned fun.

Normally when I want to have a blast, I take her somewhere.--A park with slides, a museum, a water playscape, or petting zoo. But tonight we'd bring the fun to us.

We had just received our finger puppets in the mail courtesy of Her Threaded Needle. One set for of Old Mc. Donald's farm, and another of 5 little monkeys.

Before we even got inside I pulled them out and showed them to her. She had never seen finger puppets like this before but I knew she's love them because she loves puppets and she loves singing. Sure enough, I couldn't even get them all on my fingers before she pulled them off to try for herself.

We changed into our PJs long before it was time for bed so we could eat cheese and crackers, talk, and play. She shows me her toys and babbled to me, and I replied. It made me stop and think how often I give her my undivided attention on a regular basis, and how often is my mind someplace else. In this very moment, I was all hers.

In her room I took out the monkey finger puppets and sang the "Five Little Monkeys" song, and tried my best to make it as hilarious as possible. BOINKing my head when the monkey's fell and hit their head, and jumping when they jumped. I think it worked. She of course wanted to sing it too. Then, just before lights out time, I taught her one of the coolest things she's ever learned--How to jump.

I pretty sure in this moment, and right after I kissed her goodnight she was thinking something like:
"COOLEST. MOM. EVER!"

I may not get to spend all the time I would like with her. I may not be home with her every day. But I make the most of the time we do have together. Because I think it's quality that matters more than quantity.

***

Rachel, owner of Her Threaded Needle has graciously offered to giveaway a set of Christmas finger puppets to one of my readers.

Just enter using the tool below (if you don't want to use your facebook account, click the small print that says you want to use your name and email address). It's a quick one so you can get it by Christmas. Ends 12:01am on Monday. Good luck!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

One kid? Psssh! I got this... Finding my new normal

I feel like I could stop reproducing now with my one little girl and be totally happy. But I know that's not going to happen because it doesn't quite feel complete yet.

Sometimes I'll lay on the bed or couch cuddling with my husband and daughter and think "this is perfect." Then wonder if we'll add one or two more to the mix someday. I try to imagine which feels most right but I can't decide.

This week I've felt happier than I've felt in a long time. Truly blessed. I feel like in this stage of my life I'm sincerely happier than I've ever been. I'm FINALLY getting the hang of my life as a wife, mother, career woman. Finally.

I thought I'd never get to the point where I found my place in both worlds because I thought that loving my job meant loving my daughter less. But it doesn't.

I worried going to work, and having my daughter in daycare (or "school" as I prefer to call it) would mean she wouldn't get as much love and attention as she needed. But I was wrong. In fact I could argue she gets more love an attention than I anticipated because she has that many more people who love her. Her classmates and teachers. Teachers who even bring her cute gifts and tokens after seeing our passion for fashion and creativity. Teachers she runs to, and jumps in the arms of when we get to her school. I'm not jealous of them because I know they aren't her first preference, but people she adores when mommy has to go away.

She's learning and thriving... And doing more art projects and classwork than we'd ever have time to do if I were home with her. In fact I think she'd be bored with me if we were together nonstop.

She blows me away every day with the things she's learning, and the jokes she tries to play on me... Sneaking away when I'm getting her PJs ready, or crashing into me and my camera when I'm trying to take a picture from further away. She says--Or tries to say whatever words I say to her, and she can point to pictures and identify things like bubbles, balls, cats and dogs. She even pooped in the potty this week for heaven's sakes!

And about work... I've finally carved out my niche and tailored my position to be exactly what my dream job would be. I just signed the dotted line, committing myself to another three years here, but I honestly couldn't be happier with the deal. After some back and forth chats with my boss, and some producers, I've been approved to start a new parenting segment on my news station in January. It'll replace another segment I have, and give me a chance to report on family news in Texas, things to do with your kids, and child health and wellness. Lil' J may even get a chance to make an appearance from time to time.

As far as scheduling, I still anchor on the weekends, and do stories that help foster children get adopted, and highlight nonprofits and people doing good, but switching out another health segment for parenting is right up my alley. Another cool thing? My boss supports my social media endeavors.

My dress: Eskahti (use BMM112 for $20 off your order); Lil' J's: Pettiskirt Palace

We're also planning to move next year. Not far, but more out towards suburbia, and less hood. I have an area in mind and we're looking for places now. It'll be better for my husband's job... Which in April will be taken to a whole new level. Our schedules are both a bit crazy but we're making it work.

I don't do it all perfectly but I am somehow getting the hang of balancing everything. The best part of it all is I'm finding myself all over again and managing to do the things I love. I know I'm doing it better because I'm finding time for myself again, and I'm pushing myself in my job again, more like I did before my daughter. I've been able to read books again.

I'm about to finish the Hunger Games series (really good by the way), and I'm already making a "must read" list for when I'm done with these. I never thought I'd have time to read again, but alas, I do! It's re-sparked my love for writing and I REALLY want to take a creative writing class at our local community college now. I haven't figured out how I"ll swing that one yet, but it's on my "to do before number two" list so I need to get on it. Hopefully I can use my job's tuition reimbursement for it too.

Sure, work is a little nuts, our schedules are hectic, and I'm averaging less than five hours of sleep a night, but we're making it work, and I feel better than ever.

Lil' J has been sleeping through the night for months now but I think I'm finally caught up from my lack of sleep from when she'd wake up in the middle of the night and able to stay up because I want to.

I remember my husband telling me how his grandmother would sleep like four hours a night because she had eight kids, and I thought she was crazy. But now I get it. If I'm not sleeping because someone else is keeping me up I get pissed. If I'm not sleeping because I'm getting a butt load accomplished, I'm on top of the world.
 
I'm SO thankful for this feeling!

Now that I finally have my life back in control I'm actually slightly terrified to start all over again and lose this balance I've found. How long will it take me to get back to this point? Will I even be able to get back to this point? I know a huge reason for my happiness is my daughter's happiness in school at her age. My husband was home with her for her first year and I'm not sure I could bear to return to work leaving a 12-week-old in the hands of someone other than his if I didn't absolutely have to. Why couldn't I have just had twins!??!!! I know it would be super hard but at least the decision on how to time my second child would  have been taken care of.

*added* When did you finally feel back to "normal" mentally after your first kid? Then what about your second? Did it take longer?*

I normally don't do this. But since it's the 10th Anniversary of the September 11th Attacks

I thought I'd share something with you.

Patriotic Dress: Jean to Fashion

It's often I write about my life as a mom and a wannabe domestic diva, but I don't go into the other important part of my life. My life as a news reporter and anchor.

I wanted to share a 9/11 story I produced myself. From finding the story interviews, to the filming and lighting down to the writing, voicing, and editing. It's quite possibly one of my favorite stories of my career thus far.

10 years ago today I was in high school, in my broadcasting class, watching the reports of the terrorist attacks live on the news. Today, I'm on the other side of the television, living my dream and reporting and anchoring about that very event.

This story I did touches my heart because as an American, I remember how it felt that day, learning the news of the attacks, feeling vulnerable, and violated. But as a mother, I know how special this day is to Shelley and her son, who was born that very day.

Happy Birthday Christopher.

And God bless America, and the world on this day. Let's remember how we pulled together as a country and do it again.


Born on 9/11 on Vimeo.
I'd love to hear your thoughts! Where were you on September 11th 2001?
If you want to see the story with my intro, click the photo below. Or you can also click here.

My Story



And I thought life was challenging BEFORE this week?--HA HA HA!

The eve of her first day at her new school I munched on some salad before bed. I had a few croutons left over, and knowing how much my daughter loves croutons, I set them aside for her daddy to give them to her in the morning. ... But then I remembered he wouldn't give them to her in the morning. Because he'd already be gone at work.

My stomach churned as I let this reality set it. This is really happening.

I opened the fridge and scanned over our lunches packed for the next day one last time; making sure everything was in place. Then headed up to bed.

I dozed off to memories of the last year. Remembering when my daughter was just a newborn sleeping in her bassinet beside me. How tiny, yet round and chubby she was. I remembered the first time I left for work after my maternity leave and being so scared to have my husband watch over her. But he did great, we survived, and we will get through this next stage too.
 
My husband woke up first, extra early, partly because of nerves, but mostly to make sure he was ready for his first day. He couldn't find something, so I got up and tried to help. Our daughter woke up amongst all of the commotion so I went in her room and laid down with her. I gave the hubs a kiss goodbye (after he found what he was looking for) and wished him good luck, then snuggled with my little girl a couple more hours before my alarm went off.

I can't quite describe the incredible difference it is to have to get up, get ready, get my child ready, and get us both to where we need to be in time. I prepared as much as I could the night before but it's still was a rude awakening. I never realized just how easy I had it, being able to play with my daughter til' the last possible moment before leaving her in her pajamas with her daddy when I left for work.

Now here I am, rushing to get us both dressed, grab her bag, my bag and get out the door before I'm late to work.

I know millions of other people around the world do this every day. I'm not the only one. But holy cow, people need to have more respect for people who do this. I now have more sympathy for my mom, who did this with FIVE kids, and for every parent around the world who's challenged with this extra task.

Dropping her off at her school was the worst part. Not because I don't like it or that I don't trust her teachers--I am so very happy with where she is.--But because seeing her face when she realizes I'm leaving her is gut wrenching. It was bad before, when I left her with her dad, but this magnifies the situation.

I work weekends and have Mondays and Tuesdays off. Monday last week I went to her school with her. We played with the toys together, and she got acclimated with the place. Tuesday I went to a movie and dropped her off for a few hours. So by Wednesday, her first day, she knew I wasn't staying this time, and she didn't want me to put her down.

Her teachers pulled out some toys and tried to distract her while I said goodbye and snuck out, but she realized I was gone before I had time to get down the hall, and I heard that.

I cried because she cried.

That day at work felt like the longest day ever. I kept watching the clock waiting for my time to be up so I could pick her up and see her face light up when her mom entered the room. The best part of my day was seeing an email pop up in my inbox with the subject line "Hi mom!" and seeing this photo.

Ruffle Bib by Smitten Heart

I imagined how she'd react when she saw me again. I thought she'd run to me, or do her super fast crawl the way she did when I'd come home from work and see her after she spent the day with daddy.

Sadly, the scene didn't play out as I imagined. I arrived and she whined for me while raising her hands as if she was saying "Pick me up NOW!" No smiles, no laughs.

She hit me over and over in the chest. Her signal for me to feed her when she doesn't feel like signing the word. Every day until today I'd hug and kiss her when I got home then immediately nurse her. It's kind of our way to reconnect. But I told her to wait until we got home.

She had a good day at school. She played with paint and they gave me her hand prints on paper, along with a report for how she ate, played and slept that day. I was relieved to have her in my arms again.

Now the funny thing is I can't seem to understand why now that she's at school, I feel worse for leaving her. She would cry sometimes when I'd leave her with her dad. I'd get sad but not to this extent. I know here she's learning and playing with other kids, and loved by her teachers. She's probably having more fun than she ever did before. But the guilt still gets to me.

Mudpie Dress via Lollipop Moon; Robeez Shoes via Consignment

At night I want to hold her a little longer before setting her down. And if she cries for a moment or two before falling asleep I feel 10Xs worse, as if she's telling me how mad she is about leaving her someplace else that day.

Thursday I dropped her off and we both cried harder than the day before. I hugged her and told her I'd pick her up after work, then tried to leave before anyone noticed my tears. How am I going to do this every day? I thought. Other working mothers tell me it doesn't really get easier. Great. And I don't have my husband to call and console me during the day because he's busy getting his butt whipped at his job. No outside communication the whole day.

There was a glimmer of hope though. Thursday, when I picked her up, she smacked my chest again and I told her I'd feed her when we got home. Her teachers asked me if she was still nursing and when I told them I was, they invited me to sit and feed her in the recliner in her room. It was such a relief.

When she was done she perked up and jumped off my lap, ready to show me around her classroom and introduce me to her new friends. She was a different little girl. I made note of this and decided I'll nurse her from now on when I pick her up.

This new adventure of ours is really hard. But it's just one of many new adventures we'll have to endure as a family. Things aren't going to be the exact same forever, and as much as I'd love to freeze our lives in place at times, I can't. I can only make best of the situation we're in and work toward the even better.

I know many women who read my blog mentioned they have been through this or will be going through this. I can now tell you myself that it's hard. Really hard. But it's not the end of the world. Children are resilient and whether they spend all day every day with you; Or most of the day most days, they will still love you, and always know you're mommy.

What to do for the next 8 months?

My husband is about to start a new career, a new job he's been applying and training for, for the last two years. I'm so thrilled for him because while he loves being home with our daughter, he's ready to get out of the house. (On a side note, I'm hoping to have him be my first guest poster and write a post for me about what it was like being Lil' J's stay at home dad for a year, but right now he's not interested. I'll keep trying.)

Now the hard part begins.

Our daughter has been on daycare waiting lists since my maternity leave and her name still hasn't come up on any of them. Most all of these are downtown near my job. So I began the search again, including searches for nannies. I'll have do do a more detailed helpful post about this later, but long story short, I found a school we like, and there are only three other little students in her class. It's not far from my job, and even though they hiked the tuition another $200 a month after I had already enrolled her and paid the deposit; and even though she will only be going three times a week and there's no part-time program, we're staying because we like it that much. I'm hoping socializing and learning with other kiddos, and having a little time away from us, at this age, will be good for her.

That said, I'm dreading dropping her off the first day. The thought of it kills me. KILLS me. Actually, I can't even think about it without getting a knot in my stomach. It's already hard leaving her big brown eyes with her daddy five days a week, I think this will be infinitely more painful. Ugh. Can't think about it. If any of you out there in cyber space have tips for getting through this, please share. My plan is to make daddy do it. She won't be as sad about him leaving her. And she'll be twice as happy to see me pick her up.

Rufflebutt Onesie from Sumos; Bow from Chloe and Maude, Leg Warmers from Happy Crawlers

Another challenge I'll have to make it through is learning to do things without my husband, or his help for the next eight months. He's going to be engrossed in work and he's warned me time and time again about the demands. He's asked for my support and I'm gonna give it. He's also promised a certain shiny prize once he makes it to the finish line, but of course I don't need bribery to help. I'd do it ether way.

So now I'm thinking of ways to get out of his hair for the next eight months. Moving to our own apartment isn't an option. We've done yoga classes already and I'd like to try something new. Maybe mommy and me swim lessons. Or gymnastics. Or sign language. Instead of shopping online, we could hit up stores. And photography is always fun. We could scope out new spots to shoot I guess.

It's just weird to think our whole family dynamic is about to shift. When I stop off at home for a quick lunch break no one will be there. We'll have to wake up earlier to get all three of us ready for work and school, pack lunches, and head out the door, where as before I could leave them two in their PJs.

I'm going to have to trust new people with my daughter. Ugh. There goes that knot again. I can do this! Soon it will all seem like normal. Right?

Growing up

It's been a while since I'd had a good cry. I used to cry every-other day, at least. I don't remember what I would cry about. Probably nothing very important. I'm just a very emotional person. So the fact that I haven't cried in months, probably meant my emotions had been held captive for too long.

I had just laid my daughter down for bed. She was wound up and trying hard to avoid bed time, so she cried for a few minutes before falling asleep. Even though it can take from just a few seconds, to five minutes, every moment feels like forever. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but most of the time she goes down without a hitch, so nights like these where she doesn't are torture (for me).

I had come home from work that evening to pick her up and go back out to the store. It would have been much easier to just stop by the store on the way home, but I never pass up an opportunity to bring her with me. We went to a couple fabric stores, then came home for a photo shoot. I kept her up past her bed time playing, making her laugh, and chasing her around the living room.

Her laughter is the best sound in the world. Her cries are the worst.

I lied in bed and reflected on on fun evening. There were a few times I helped her stand up and she could balance on her own for a couple of seconds before falling into my arms. Selfishly I don't help her do this very often because I'm not ready for her to walk. Because walking means "toddler" and I don't want to loose my baby. Time has flown by so fast and just thinking about it brings me to tears. And this is when the water works started.

"I'm so torn," I told my husband through my tears. "Sometimes I want to keep working and make a lot of money so we can have nice things. But then other times I feel like I've missed our whole daughter's life because I've been working."

Just earlier that day I had told my husband about my friend's new camera, how awesome it is, and how someday I'd like one. Along with an iMac, and other goodies. Of course the longer we save the better, and the longer we both work full-time, the more we'll be able to save. But at the same time, this past year has flown by so extremely fast, and I feel like I've missed it.

"You haven't missed anything," he told me, trying to cheer me up. "At least two hours a day while you're gone she's sleeping. So that's 10 hours a week. Then we take a walk for a half an hour a day, and she eats for awhile, and we watch sports for two hours, so you're not missing much." He said.

"But we could be going out and doing fun things," I started sobbing. "And she's big now, and she used to be small, and maybe it wouldn't seem like she's grown so fast had I been home." My reasoning may sound silly, but it made sense to me.

"No," he told me. "I've been home with her every day and time has still gone by really fast to me. Plus she's cooler now that she's bigger."

"But I like having a baby I want her to stay a baby."

"Well she won't. She has to grow up. People grow up. Where is this coming from?"

"I like having a baby, we should just have another one every time they turn into toddlers, and keep having babies until I'm sick of them."

"So we'll have one more."

"No, like 10 more."

As usual, he got me to laugh and almost forget why I was crying, but writing this post still makes me emotional. I know as every stage ends there's a bit of sadness. But then a new one begins, and from what I hear it gets better.

Does time just go fast for me because I'm working and away from her 9 hours a day, or does it go by this fast for everyone?

I'm trying to think when the most influential time to be home with your children is. When they're older, in school, and need help with homework? I can visit for field trips, parties, and what not. But that school-age is when more moms seem to try to return to work. Plus, my career isn't exactly one you can leave and re-join as you please. And I love what I'm doing.

My life is so much more worthwhile now that my daughter is here. I'm so much happier, despite less sleep, less time to myself, and less energy. If I waited a few more years I could have been a full-time mom from the start. Now I'm missing at least nine precious hours at least five days a week. And once you start it's like a domino effect. If you want kids close in age you're thinking about another after a year or so, and I can attest that that is no time at all. Then, once you have another you're faced with the same challenges as the first times two. Then 18-20 years later they're adults and you have college and missions and weddings to worry about.

Moms with kids older than one--Tell me there's still much fun to be had, that toddlers are fun. That the terrible twos, threes and fours are worth it. That I don't need to have 10 more babies to fulfill my baby fix. That kids aren't like puppies and that they are still cute when the grow up. Please, tell me I haven't missed much yet, that there are still good times ahead.--That the fun is just beginning.

Work/Home Balance--Is There Such a Thing?

I've officially been at work, away from my daughter longer than I was at home with her during my maternity leave. I'd be lying if I were to say it's gotten much easier.

Every morning when I have to kiss her goodbye, it's still ridiculously hard. It breaks my heart even more now when she knows I'm grabbing my purse--not our diaper bag--and I'm leaving without her.

I try my best now to leave when she's distracted or still sleeping; because when she's awake and aware she'll hold her arms out for me and cry.

Daily I'm submerged in feelings of guilt for not being there for her, and paranoia about missing a first. Missing her crawl for the first time, the first time she says "mama" or just being there for her daily developments.

I can't say how grateful I am though for the fact that she's with the best caregiver in the world. Seeing her with her dad, and how close they've gotten makes my heart melt. When I come home she practically jumps into my arms and is all smiles. She's so happy when we're all home and close together and it makes me so grateful she has two parents who love each other and love her. Sadly, that's not the case for everyone. But I'm still a little jealous of that bond I see they have, and of the time he gets with her.

On my day off this week, Little J and I went out for yoga, then we went to lunch and shopping with a friend. She was by my side or in her carrier that entire day and I had the most amazing time. I would be standing in an isle at a craft store and notice her look up at me from her wrap and smile. I'd lean over to kiss her nose and she'd laugh. The simplest moment made me want to stop time and stay right there with her forever. I wished I could I had more moments like these. Like I was missing moments like these every day I leave her for the grind.

We started the daycare search this week and it's been exhausting. It's so hard looking for someone to care for my daughter aside from my husband and I, and trusting them with her. Luckily, we won't need to enroll her for another six or seven months, which by then I think she'll be ready to learn and ready for interaction with other kids her age, but it's still so hard.

Right now I can call home and video chat with her via iPhone. At first she didn't know what to think of it, and she'd grab my husband's phone, reaching for me, then she'd start crying when she realized I couldn't pick her up. Now she'll usually smile and talk to me for a little bit, still try to grab the phone, but I think she's realized iPhones don't have arms. This is just one of the experiences I'll miss once she starts daycare. That, and visiting home during my lunch break with a ready-made lunch and grinning baby ready to play.

I started my search by asking a friend I work with her recommendations. She recently did a series on childcare and had some great links to share with me about searching for accredited programs. I started there.

I found one that is close to my job--less than a mile away--and scheduled a tour. When I walked in worked to hold back tears. It's wasn't the facility or what I saw that made me feel bad but the thought of her being in daycare.

I looked in the infant room even though she will be over a year once she starts, but paid most attention to the sunbeam room, for 12-18 month olds since that's where she'd be. They had a glider chair for nursing moms who want to drop in and feed their baby. That made me feel good, even though I'm not sure I'll nurse her past a year. They also allow cloth diapers, which is a big plus, and the biggest positive is how close it is to my job. But the room was so small. Like insanely small. I worked in daycare for years and was worked in rooms four times as big for half as many one-year-olds. That was a huge setback, and almost enough for me to cross them off my list.

I have started looking for other schools but I'm trying not to let the glitz and glam overshadow the accreditation which is really one of my top priorities right now. That and proximity. But there's a huge shortage of them between my house and my job, and because of this, ones that are close--at least the good ones--are extremely expensive.

I'm hoping to just enroll her part time since I work Wednesday through Sunday, I'll still have Mondays and Tuesdays off to spend with her, and her dad will still be with her on the weekends for the most part. Our situation could be so much worse but sometimes I wish I could see what it's like in another's shoes.

Even after my husband begins his new job, I can't imagine leaving mine. I'm not used to not working, not bringing in some kind of income, and feeling like I can support myself if need be. But oh it would be so nice to spend afternoons at play dates, and weekends at birthday parties. It would be nice to feel like a full time mom, submerge myself into cooking literature, sewing her dresses, making her bows, and perfect a new, domesticated me. But then I'd feel guilty every time I bought something. And fun outings I like to do now on my days off would be limited to free things--Yoga would be out. And everything that makes me ME as I know myself would be different. Everything I've worked toward almost my entire life would be put on hold indefinitely to pursue a much less lucrative, but more rewarding full-time career.

I love my job, love my career, what I do every day, and I'm happier than I've even been at work, but my heart and passion gets left at home with my little girl.

It's hard finding a balance. I'm not sure I ever will.

Mommy and Me Yoga

Sometimes I feel like I'm loosing my mojo.

I used to be the girl who wanted more than anything, to be extremely successful in my career. Now more than anything I want to schedule play dates and plan little activities for Lil' J and myself.

Instead of scheduling after work meetings I'm scouring for emerging teeth. Instead of shopping for suits I'm on the hunt for the coolest new infant toy. 

I think it's important to have something as an escape. Especially being a woman, and a mom, and having so many duties to fulfill.

Funny enough, my ideal "getaways" tend to include my daughter instead of exclude her. What can I say, she's kinda a cool kid. Plus I already feel guilty for missing so much when I'm away from her at work.

I distinctly remember my mom waking up early to exercise when I was younger. My sister and I would put on our bathing suits (because they were our version of workout clothes, hello!) and exercise to a Mickey Mouse workout show while our mom walked on the treadmill.

I think that was my inspiration for wanting to experience something similar with my daughter.

When I was on maternity leave I researched things I could do with my baby. Lil' J loves to get out of the house. Having gone on seven flights in her first eight weeks of life, she was used to getting out, and I think she still craves it now because of that.

I don't really like being confined to my house for more than a couple of days either so I made a list of things in my community that we could go and do together. One of the things I didn't get to do during maternity leave was postnatal yoga. You bring your baby to class with you and exercise with them.

I was bummed we didn't get to do it during my leave, but luckily there's a class Tuesday mornings, on my day off, so we can still go.

We were running late our first week, but made it in time for introductions. Lil' J was the only baby with a bow and leg warmers--We were a little overdressed. But we still fit in. I think.

I was amazed at how full the class was. There was a mom with twins, and 15 other moms in the class!

Our yoga class on Halloween week

The first good half hour is dedicated to exercises just for mom, and your baby is below you watching you on their blanket. The second half is doing singing and exercises using them, then the last twenty minutes or so is for baby yoga, where you do stretches for them, and where you do a restoration walk, and pose with them.

There's some time to socialize at the beginning, middle, and end of class. I at first sometimes felt a twinge of jealousy while the stay at home moms planned a play group meet up during the time I'd be at work. But who knows, maybe one day I'll be able to join in.

I loved it so much my first week I bought an 8 week pass that same day. I'm surprised at how much of a workout I get, and how much of a bonding experience it is for my daughter and I. It's makes me a little sad at the same time though, because I doubt I'll get this experience with baby number two. ... Which isn't on the way, or anything, but you know how I plan ahead.

The place we go for yoga has a special class for moms with their new babies, then a class for moms with crawlers, and one with toddlers. If we can budget for it I hope to keep going. It's $17 a class, which is kinda steep, especially since we go once a week. But with the pass it goes down to about $13 a class. Which is still a lot when you consider my husband's gym pass is something like $25 a month. I tell myself I deserve it though, and take joy in the splurge.

So here I am. Gone are the days of using my Carmen Electric Striptease Workout DVDs, and welcome to the days of mommy & me fitness.

I'm not sure if my mojo is going, or coming. Or maybe it's just transforming. Either way, I think I like the way it's moving.

If you have a baby I'd highly recommend looking into postnatal or mommy and me yoga it's SO FUN! So fun in fact, that I just bought a mommy and me workout DVD called Infantastic Baby Reps, and I love it too! I also rented Infantastic's Dance Baby Dance from the library after reading the glowing reviews! It was $25 so I passed on buying it at the time.

I want to share my postnatal workout with you so I'm going to send an Infantastic Baby Reps DVD to a blog follower who comments on this post before next Thursday night! You've gotta be a follower cause I'm buying is for you! Somewhere with your comment, just let me know you'd like to be entered!

Women Are the Shiznit

Shiznit:
adj. 1) the best; 2) the greatest, in a certain category or universally.
"Women are the Shiznit."

I don't know how women do it, yet I'm one of them. I keep thinking I've gotta be the busiest mom alive but then I look around and realize a third of the women I work with are moms. Some of them have more than one child. Sometimes I still wonder if they are as busy as I am but I can't flatter myself, I'm sure they have it just as bad.

After putting in 9-10 hours at work, including a couple pumping breaks, coming home, gladly taking my daughter out of my husband's hands to give him a break and let him do the things he wants to do. I feed her a gazillion times, play with her, pet the dog, put her to bed, and give my husband attention (and doing this all on a minimum amount of sleep, mind you, because someone (I'm not going to mention any names) is waking up more in the middle of the night again) there's no time left for me. None. And I don't even cook! I do do some laundry now since we're cloth diapering, but everything else? It's forgotten.

My house is a disaster--Not that I really care. My husband does manage to straighten up from time to time (ok, more than I do, I'll admit!). But I'm just saying, if I added in all of the extra things I want to do that aren't really fun, like cooking a home made family meal a few times a week, and cleaning, I really wouldn't have time for things I really like to do like shopping, blogging, or making some hair bows for my daughter, or a new leash set for my poor neglected dog, or this thing called sleep.

On my day off I try my best not to ask my husband to do things for our daughter because I know he does it all week, and I've missed her, so I want to spend time with her. But at the end of the day, when she's finally in bed, I'm actually getting a chance to open my laptop, reply to emails, and fulfill my side jobs, but I get a guilt trip for staying up late alone. Plus, during these late night internet escapades, I'm sacrificing precious sleep to have a few moments to do this... Blog. A hobby I feel slipping away--Drowning underneath the tide of my busy schedule.

Alas, here I am. Writing away. Complaining. So no more of that.

But really, I'm just pondering about my life, and the business of it all. It's kind of funny. Especially when I consider much of my business at home consist of imprinting my butt cheeks into the sofa while I feed my daughter. I've tried multitasking, but after a scare with a hot glue gun and sticky baby hair, I decided it's best if I confine the multitasking while nursing to my iPhone.

I'm used to being able to do it all. Balance a gazillion things at one time. Run from one obligation to another, and collapse at the end of the day. Now, I'm passing opportunities I normally would give my right arm for, because I really and truly don't have time. I don't like saying no, but it's a word I'd had to add to my vocabulary.

I used to think if I was a superhero I'd want the ability to read minds. Now I think if I was a superhero I'd want the ability to live without sleep. How cool would that be? I'd have eight whole hours to myself (minus middle of the night feedings). I wouldn't have to feel guilty because everyone would be asleep and I could just get things done.

There'd be 3am trips to Wally World, late night vacuuming, and menu planning. Probably another job somewhere in the mix. Ah. If only I had super powers.

But really, us women. We are superheros. I don't see men doing all of the things we do. And when they attempt to do half of it they whine the whole time.

My husband? He gets a break when I'm off work. Me? I get a break at 1am. Or in this case, 10pm cause they're both already in bed.

I don't need a cape and tights to prove I'm the shiz. It's written on all over my face.

PS: Thank you SO MUCH for your encouraging words on my last post! Hubby and I are in dire need of a date... I think but no need in beating myself up about it! We went out with baby today but hopefully in the next week or so it'll be sans Lil' J.

The Return to Work

Exhausting. That's the best word I can use to describe my first day back at work.

I woke up extra early so I'd have time to pump before leaving. And since I had been used to sleeping in until 9 most of my maternity leave, this wasn't the easiest adjustment.

I was hoping my daughter would stay asleep but in the middle of the night, after she ate I kept her cuddling with me. So shortly after I got up, she woke up.

Normally I'd nurse her back to sleep but I guess she knew I wasn't going back to sleep either, so she wanted to stay up and play. I had my husband help with her so I could get ready. I hooked up my pump and PumpEase so I could do my makeup while I prepared some milk for the next day.

When I was done I had pumped five and a half ounces from one side (Lil' J ate from the other earlier and I was thinking I'd nurse he again before I left).

I cleaned my pump, got dressed and was ready to leave. This was the part I was dreading.

I had put her in her swing so I could finish getting ready and to my surprise she had fallen asleep. One of my friends told me this was the best way to leave. I knew this was true because had she been laughing and cooing or crying I would have bawled my entire way to work.

Instead I slightly stroked her cheek, shed one tear and kissed my husband goodbye.

On my drive to work I blared the music for two reasons. For one, I wanted to drown out my thoughts and two, I couldn't really do that with her in the back seat. It was weird not focusing on the baby mirror behind me and consoling my daughter who hates riding in the car.

When I got to work I was greeted with warm welcomes and lots of questions. Of course I had half a dozen pictures printed off to place on my desk and showed them off to my colleagues.

When other mothers asked how I was doing I surprised myself when I realized I was doing fine. Then I felt another strange hint of emotion--was that guilt? How could I be doing so well away from my daughter when I love her so much?

I tried to brush it off and made my way to the morning meeting. I didn't miss those.

I hurried out to my first interview. I was working on my segment to help find adopted families for foster children and I was introduced to a talkative and very intelligent 12-year-old.

The moment we met my mind focused on him and making it a time he'd remember. We raced go-carts and played a dozen games of ski ball before the park even opened to the public.

I was immersed in my job with no time to think about missing my daughter. But when the shoot was finished and I was invited to eat lunch with them, I politely declined so I could go home and see my baby.

It had been about five hours since I had last pumped so I was feeling a little engorged.

When I got home my husband had pizza coming out of the oven and Lil' J's smile when she saw me just melted my heart.

I had called my husband on my way home, so instead of warming another bottle for her, he let her wait to nurse. And boy was she ready. She likes to eat but there must be something different about it coming straight from the source because she didn't want to let go. I loved having her snuggled in my arms and watching her stare and smile at me as she ate as if she were saying "I missed you mommy." I enjoyed it so much, I forgot to eat. My husband packed the pizza up for me to take with me back to work.

I was surprised at how he was doing. I hate to admit it but he was showing me up. I can't remember if I had ever had a meal ready for him when he came home from work. Usually I was asking him to pick something up.

This time when I went back to work it was a little harder. My daughter was laughing and smiling when I left and I love being around her when she's in such a good mood.

After my break the day took a bad turn. I had my second interview for another story, but on the way back we were rear ended.

Neither I or my photographer were hurt, but instead of staying ahead of schedule, that and all the paperwork that comes with car accidents, set us back hours.

It did however, give me some time to catch up with my boss who praised me for breastfeeding and asked me about how I'm enjoying motherhood.

Three hours later it was finally time to head back to the station, but it was time to go home when I got there. Luckily the story I'm working on doesn't air until Sunday, but I still wanted to get something going before I left. So I took my laptop, and camera into the makeup room where there were two other breast pumps lined up next to mine.

It had been another five hours since I had last fed my daughter so while I was trying to get everything set up, things got a bit messy. Apparently my body responds really well to seeing the pump, almost as well as when my daughter cries. I felt something wet on my leg and realized I was squirting from both sides. I hurried and hooked the pump up so more precious milk wouldn’t be lost on the make up room floor (don't worry, I cleaned it up. Wouldn't want anyone to slip!).

I had no problem pumping hands free and working at the same time. The most time consuming part, I'm finding is cleaning all of the parts after pumping. At home I leave the pieces out to air-dry but I'm obviously not going to so that at work. So washing and drying all the pieces took some time.

I got another nine ounces to bring home and was more than ready to go home to my daughter.

For a moment I thought I'd bring my laptop home but I decided not to. Keep work at work. I thought.

My husband had dinner in the oven and Lil' J was happy to be back in my arms. I didn't want to set her down and she didn't want to let go.

My husband was able to workout and study while we reconnected and I was in awe of our new system.

Unlike my routine, my husband left Lil' J in her PJs all day versus dressing her up, but I didn't mention it to him. Baby steps I thought.

It was nice to put makeup on again, actually doing my hair and wearing a suit. But my feet, which had grown accustomed to flip flops over the past twelve weeks didn't appreciate squeezing back into heels. So it was great putting my feet up and snuggling with my sloberpus that night.

We all turned in early around 10pm.

Today I'm anchoring the evening shift so my schedule will be a little different but I've had the whole morning to spend with my daughter.

Tonight she'll get to watch me on TV and come visit me at the station during my dinner break.

I'm so blessed to have my husband at home with my daughter and he's doing SO much better than I imagined.

I didn't believe people when they told me I'd appreciate the time with her more, I didn't think it would be possible to appreciate it more, but I really do.

It's a lot more work now, and there's a lot of teamwork involved. I'm working hard and focusing on work when I'm away, but the moment I get home I take my daughter and don't set her down.

My husband can take that opportunity to do things he enjoys doing but it's pretty much non-stop work for the both of us.

My husband and I may be doing things a little backwards compared to most families but I'm optimistic it'll work for us.

I'm surprised how I am able to jump back into work almost without skipping a beat. I think part of that thanks to having a job I love.

I try not to wonder what I'm missing when I'm away. And I made my husband take an oath to act surprised by any new developments I may miss, as if I'm seeing the firsts right along with him.

I'm not sure how long I'll be a working mother, but for now, I confess: It's not as bad as I had feared.

Everyone who comments on this post is entered to win a CoddleLife Bottle. I'll pick a winner using Random.org on September 28th.

***

Swimtown Pools Winner: #33 Domestica
PumpEase Winner: #130 Lindsey

The End of Maternity Leave

My maternity leave is coming to a close, and in the morning my stint as a stay at home mother will be over. I'll begin my new role as a full time working mom.

As the night lingers on I begin to wonder about sleep deprivation. It's no big deal when I'm at home and napping through the day, but when I'm operating heavy machinery, conducting interviews and anchoring the news to thousands of people, there's slightly more pressure to ummm--Function.

Instead I'm picturing periodic meltdowns and tear streaks across my makeup.

It's almost hilarious when I think back to before having her, when I was worried about a project I wanted to work on, and debated going back early to pursue it. After she was born and here for a few weeks I could have cared less about it. I was taking the full 12 weeks, there was no mistake about that.

I've packed my bags. My pump, and PumpEase are in the bag. My laptop and blackberry are charged. Fresh milk is in the fridge, my suits are at the cleaners and my schedule is mapped out for my first week back. It's like preparing for the first day of school--Except not as fun.

My daughter and I went shopping today, but this time for me. It was a much-needed dose of retail therapy to get me excited about going back. New clothes to go with my new, fuller, motherly figure.

I held her longer today and kissed her an extra thousand times. I inhaled the smell of her hair and tickled her tiny toes.

I hope I can do this.

I know I can do this. But it won't be easy.

I'm trying to count my blessings. It could be so much worse. I'm grateful have a job. Grateful I had twelve weeks to spend with her--Even if half of that time was unpaid. And best of all my daughter will be in the best hands next to my own--Her daddy's. Granted, there was a time I contemplated whether that was a fact, or if a daycare worker or nanny had more experience with tending small babies. But regardless of his learning curve, no one would love her more.

Everything's packed and ready to go. But this time when I drive to work, I'll be leaving behind my heart.

If you've been where I'm going and have words of advice I'd love to hear it!

***

Winner of the $75 CSN Giveaway: #222 Mama b. Congrats! I'll email you soon and you'll have 48 hours to respond!

2012

Three weeks ago I didn't understand why moms would say it's hard to go to the bathroom or take a shower in peace once you have a child. I didn't understand how nursing can be so much easier than feeding my child formula.

A year ago I had changed hundreds of other people's babies' diapers, but it wasn't until these past few weeks that I got to experience changing a diaper in the pitch black middle of the night while half asleep.
Three weeks ago I was jaded, thinking I'd be completely different from other moms I had witnessed, and "in control" of my emotions. As prepared as I thought I was, I'm learning my perception on how things would be was way off.

Three weeks ago I had never looked into the eyes of my child and had no idea what it felt like to love someone this much. I wasn't prepared for that kind of attachment. The way I love my husband is different, this is a love I can't control, it consumes me.

About a year ago I wrote about my impression of stay at home moms, and asked what it was like. "The hardest job in the world," people told me. What was so hard about it?

This week I applied my makeup and straightened my hair with one arm, while nursing my daughter in the other. I dropped everything I was working on to mend her cries. I toted her into the bathroom with me while I took a shower so she wouldn't have to cry alone in her bed, and so the sound of the water running would soothe her. I had no problem shutting babies I babysat outside the bathroom door and letting them cry for a few moments while I used the restroom, but three weeks ago I learned I couldn't bare to do that to my own child.--Fearing she'd feel like I'm abandoning her by not immediately tending to her needs.

She cries when we're in the car for too long, and it's the worst feeling in the world not being able to help her.

To me, the duties of feeding, watching, cleaning and holding my child aren't what's hard about being a mother. What makes the job more difficult than anything I've ever done is the undying love I can't tame.

Several months ago a woman told me I'd be begging to go back to work partway through my maternity leave--That work outside the home is so much easier. I know it's only been three weeks, but as of now I couldn't disagree more. My role as a mother won't end just because I'm outside of the home for 8-10 hours a day. I'll still wonder, worry, pump and love, then still attend to her needs when I get home.

A few days ago another woman told me my mind may change after I've been at home with my daughter for 6 months. Unfortunately I won't have the chance to know.

Six weeks partial pay--That's what I, and many women I know get for maternity leave. Plus an additional optional six weeks I've opted to take at the expense of forfeiting six weeks of any pay. I can't imagine going back to work in another three weeks.

Luckily, my husband will be home to watch and take care of her when I do finally go back to work full time, but right now I can't even bare to leave him alone with her--A fear I'll need to overcome soon.

I'm not going to argue whether working outside, inside, or solely as a mother at home is more or less difficult than any of the other. That's not what it's about. All I know is that for me, myself, my family and I, working inside the home would be a dream come true.

Having this new found love makes it nearly impossible to imagine leaving her daily for a job that feels insignificant compared to her. But in order to put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads it's necessary for the time being.

I knew this when we chose to move forward with expanding our family now, rather than years from now. But I'm hoping to change that in the next couple of years.

I watched The Secret, and I know when you have a goal, one part of making it a reality is telling others, and "sending it out to the universe," so I'm doing that now!

By 2012 I want to be able to still do what I do best and work from home. I'm hoping, praying and wishing for it all to work out. It'll take a lot to make it a reality but if it's meant to be it'll be, and I can't help but feel like that's what I'm suppose to do.

***

Random.org winner of maid service: #74: Natalie from Our Old Southern House. Congrats! I'll email you the code!

Temporary Stay at Home Mom

I KNOW people say that being a mother is the hardest job in the world. I don't doubt that because of the severity of the job that's true. I mean... It's not often that a life if in your hands 24/7. Mental and emotional pressure put on ourselves has got to cause some major job anxiety. Granted, that comes in the job description of motherhood whether you're also working outside of the home on top of that or not.

At this stage of my life I won't have the chance to stay at home with my child for awhile, but I will have the chance to experience it for a few months, and let me tell you... I don't care what anyone says, I'm looking forward to that SO MUCH.

Sure, maybe there will be spurts of cabin fever and nights when I'm so incredibly exhausted, but I am very much looking forward to putting sacrifices like that in for someone I actually love.

Don't get me wrong, I like the people I work with currently, but I just imagine days where I'm at the office until 2am, or mornings where I'm called in at 4 (yes, it happens) are more worth it when it's for someone you're willing to do anything for.

Already after a long shift at work I am excited to rush home and greet my furry child as well as my husband. It's by far my favorite part of the day. We're lucky enough to work our schedules so we get the same days of together every now and then... No matter how strange the days. We don't need to do anything extraordinarily fun for entertainment. We're both totally happy with vegging together laughing over youtube videos or stories from work.

I look forward to letting the house go when I feel like it, and napping with my little mini me. I look forward to going for summer strolls around the neighborhood with her and our dog Snoop.

I look forward to family trips where people will be excited to meet and greet her, and I'll be proud to share her with the world.

I look forward to documenting her every tiny milestone... Even though I thought that was so silly before.

I look forward to diaper explosions and projectile vomit. I know, it's strange but I do. What better to blog about than that?

I look forward to afternoon picnics with our little family, and trips to the park. And if that doesn't happen very often so what! We'll have an indoor picnic with movies and quick snacks.

I especially looking forward to photographing EVERYTHING!

Some people have told me they looked forward to going back to work once their leave was over, and that work outside the house was so much easier. Many times I think this is coming from women who enjoy being challenged professionally and say being at home and not having adult stimulation all day is the hard part (let me add that I'm not saying you're NOT mentally stimulated if you're not working outside the home, people just tell me it can get challenging talking to a child all day. If I wasn't working outside the home I'd still find ways to have fun and interact with others.) ... But I'm not going to let that be my mentality during my leave.

Family really means so much to me, it's the top priority in my life. I never thought I'd want to or enjoy be a mom who stays at home, but like I've heard, everything changes once you see that baby... I feel like that already happened to me the moment I saw her on the ultrasound screen.

I'm going to enjoy every week, day, minute and second of being home with my little girl, no matter how difficult. Because I know how it is on the other side, and I know children grow so fast. Who care's what's harder? Working outside the home... Staying at home and working with your children... it's not a competition! I just want to look back at my time at home and know I didn't take it for granted.